294 reviews by Paul..
Alex Kidd: the Lost Stars

2013-03-13
From: Paul
Comments: Aren't they all?

Rating: n/a



Buggy Run

2013-03-09
From: Paul
Comments: He shouldn't. He's just some pussy-ass, little bitch that talks tough through his computer.

Rating: n/a



My Hero

2012-10-24
From: Paul
Comments: Careful, Peter, word on the street is that Faye Reagan has genital warts.

Rating: n/a



SpellCaster

2012-09-21
From: Paul
Comments: I used to have standards, too. You know what I didn't have most of the time? A bitch on my dick. Stick to your (unrealistic) standards if you want, just be prepared to be alone most of the time.

Rating: n/a



SpellCaster

2012-09-08
From: Paul
Comments: I don't have a son, but if I did, there is one piece of advice I would give him above all others: fat girls and ugly girls have pussies, too. If you think you need a hot chick to fuck, odds are you're probably going to end up jerking it in front of your computer. Hot chicks are great if you can get 'em, don't get me wrong, but for some of us it's just not realistic in terms of casual sex. Go to a bar and find some fatties or uggos to fuck.

Rating: n/a



Gangster Town

2012-08-27
From: Paul
Comments: Please, for the love of God almighty, someone please create the appropriate page for the game Dead Angle. It was a damn good game, far better than many (if not most) of the games that do have pages devoted to them. It deserves at least as much respect as Pengo or some Brazilian rip-off of Psycho Fox. Come on, don't leave us hanging.

Rating: n/a



Desert Speedtrap

2012-08-23
From: Paul
Comments: Now, again, the premise is interesting, but the game gets tiresome after a while. Frankly, an 8-bit system, even one as awesome as the Master System, just cannot do justice to the source material here. So, you've been warned.

Rating: n/a



Bomber Raid

2012-08-23
From: Paul
Comments: That's pretty much the consensus.

Rating: n/a



Kings Quest

2012-08-21
From: Paul
Comments: Yup, you'd be a shitty king, alright. A king is supposed to lead by example, Peter, and be virtuous and brave. You should not ask one of your subjects to do something that you yourself are not willing to do. So, once again, you suck.

Rating: n/a



Penguin Land

2012-08-16
From: Paul
Comments: To your question, 1) it's a stupid (albeit good) video game not a work of natural history, and 2) the fucking penguins in the game are FROM SPACE! Why don't you bitch about that, tool.

Rating: n/a



WWF: Steel Cage

2012-08-15
From: Paul
Comments: While I agree with your last comment, the previous one constitutes one of the basest and most vile instances of defamation that I have ever read. You should be ashamed of yourself, Peter.

Rating: n/a



Asterix

2012-08-13
From: Paul
Comments: Loosely based on Tacitus' work on Germania (I say "loosely" because this is actually set in Gaul) this is actually a rather interesting game, if more than a bit puzzling at times. Much of the game's action consists, ironically enough, of inaction. That is, not bathing, not fighting, not defending your wives and daughters from being raped, not participating in the great civilizing mission of the Roman Empire...stuff like that. Because of all the running and hiding the old-timey Frenchmen do in this game, it is hard to really give it a good rating, despite the almost flawless ethnographic portrait it paints of pre-Roman Gaul.

Rating:



Super Smash TV

2012-08-12
From: Paul
Comments: Peter, give the self-satisfied, "smartest guy in the room" shit a rest, will you? Just for a little bit, maybe. You're not the only person in the world who cracks open a book anymore you know. Guess what, buddy, your shit stinks just as badly as the rest of ours.

Rating: n/a



Power Strike

2012-08-11
From: Paul
Comments: And what "authority" would that be, idiot? For your information, I haven't been a virgin since I was sixteen years old when my father took me to a cathouse for the express purpose of me losing my virginity. After some difficulty I managed to insert my penis into the woman and, with intromission thus accomplished, I promptly ejaculated. So promptly, in fact, that the prostitute laughed at my utter ineptitude which led me to both sob uncontrollably and puke all over her tits. She stopped laughing at that point and pushed me off of her, screaming all the while. After wiping most of the vomit off with a towel (that I was told was for semen cleanup, by the way) she punched me right in the testicles which, by some physiological quirk, led to a second, more powerful ejaculation that left much of her face covered by thin, watery jizz. This, too, angered my aging soiled dove, both because of the unexpectedness of the seminal assault and the fact that it cost extra but my dad paid up front. My father argued with the madam of the house for some time, but they eventually reached an agreement that the unwanted cum blast was balanced out (not to mention caused by) the equally unwanted punch to the nuts. Thus, no additional fees were deemed warranted and we were left to go in peace, though I was asked not to come back. It therefore goes without saying, Peter, that you are full of shit and that I haven't been a virgin for many, many years now.

Rating: n/a



SpellCaster

2012-08-04
From: Paul
Comments: James, you're either a fucked up liar or some kind of dipshit, and I'm leaning towards the latter. That honestly made no sense at all. At one point I was pretty sure you were gay and then you starting rambling about some bitch again. You make me sick!

Rating: n/a



Monster Maker

2012-08-04
From: Paul
Comments: How can any male, especially one in his teenage years, not notice his mom's hot body? It was pretty much unavoidable. All my friend's moms were ugly as fuck (and fat, too, for the most part) and so they'd always be talking about my mom's sweet ass or ripe, luscious tits. It made me uncomfortable, sure, but it also made me aware of the fact that she was more than just my mom, she was a real, live woman and, yes, a sexual being. It was important to accept that. Once my father was out of the way, I was then free to have her for myself. It took some doing, especially when it came to the insurance company paying up, but soon enough we found ourselves locked together in a cum-soaked, Oedipal bliss.

Rating: n/a



Monster Maker

2012-08-04
From: Paul
Comments: No, you're right. You're actually right for once, dick. Like I said before, my mom actually was rather attractive, but I just didn't feel anything for her sexually. I know that's actually normal, but I can't help but feel left out, you know?

Rating: n/a



Monster Maker

2012-08-04
From: Paul
Comments: Well, I guess that's good advice, but frankly I don't feel that we should be confined to writing sick stories about doing our moms. For example, a good part of my day is spent masturbating to pictures of 14 and 15 year old girls that I find on Facebook or some other site. Couldn't I make up some story about maybe fucking some underage teen slut in a Target parking lot or something? You know, stuff I actually want to do.

Rating: n/a



Total Recall

2012-08-04
From: Paul
Comments: They shouldn't remake borderline classics like Total Recall. And they especially shouldn't do so with a shiftless Irish fuck like Colin Farrell starring in it.

Rating: n/a



Great Volleyball

2012-08-04
From: Paul
Comments: The only great volleyball would be beach volleyball if they dropped the tiny pretense of modesty and ditched the tiny bikinis. Let it all hang out, girls. Shit, most of them are titless, anyway, and if they don't want us to see their goodies let 'em grow hair down there.

Rating: n/a



Cliffhanger

2012-08-04
From: Paul
Comments: When I was doing gangbang porn to pay my way through college, I actually went by the name "Cliff Hanger". No joke. I know what you're thinking, but it was degrading work, actually. Standing in that long line, waiting your turn to nut on some bitch's face...don't get me started on the pressure of timing your cumshot just right!

Rating: n/a



Cliffhanger

2012-08-04
From: Paul
Comments: Well, okay, maybe not, but I did spritz a couple of fatties I met through Craigslist one time.

Rating: n/a



Aladdin

2012-08-03
From: Paul
Comments: My mother is not fat, Peter. In fact, she's quite attractive. Now, I'm not saying I'd do her or anything, but many of my friends have confessed to thinking of her taut yet supple body whilst they pleasured themselves manually.

Rating: n/a



Alex Kidd in High Tech World

2012-08-02
From: Paul
Comments: Peter, that's just silly. It would be obvious to anyone but you that "Angelyne" isn't really some poor, innocent eight-year-old. For most of us, in fact, it goes without saying that "Angelyne" is undoubtedly an undercover cop trying to lure pedophiles into incriminating themselves. On a certain level, I applaud them in those efforts. On another level, however, I get a certain peculiar satisfaction out of fucking with them and getting their hopes up for a bust. It also goes without saying that you haven't the power or ability to hand out probation or any other such thing. No, you're just a loser with too much time on his hands that has an obsessive relationship with this site. So, in short, go fuck yourself.

Rating: n/a



Alex Kidd in High Tech World

2012-08-02
From: Paul
Comments: I appreciate your understanding in this matter, Peter. I also appreciate how difficult it must be for you to type your bullshit posts with some guy's dick in your mouth. Kudos.

Rating: n/a



Kings Quest

2012-08-01
From: Paul
Comments: What the fuck do you know about gnomes, asshole?

Rating: n/a



Alex Kidd in Shinobi World

2012-07-30
From: Paul
Comments: What's the deal? So, sometimes Alex Kidd is depicted as some kind of monkey-type creature, like here, and sometimes he's just an ugly little person. Any clarification of this matter would be appreciated.

Rating: n/a



Alex Kidd in High Tech World

2012-07-30
From: Paul
Comments: See, this is what I was talking about on the "Shinobi World" page. Here (in the crappy box art, anyway) Alex Kidd looks like an actual human being, albeit an unpleasant looking one, while other times he is a gross little monkey. No matter...and Angelyne, I share your concerns over the vulgarization of such an ostensibly innocent website, but being 8 years old you are far too young to have sex with so there is no real point in talking to you. Otherwise, I wish you well, though.

Rating: n/a



Penguin Land

2012-07-30
From: Paul
Comments: Yes, anything with penguins in it is better than anything without penguins in it. Unfortunately for them, this includes things like stew.

Rating: n/a



Carmen Sandiego

2012-07-30
From: Paul
Comments: I don't know...there are a lot of sick fucks on this site, but Derek loving sweet, hairy Latina pussy shouldn't put him in that category in and of itself.

Rating: n/a



Castle of Illusion

2012-07-30
From: Paul
Comments: Brad, you have schizophrenia, that much is clear.

Rating: n/a



Casino Games

2012-07-30
From: Paul
Comments: Speaking of that, remember when Wheel of Fortune would allow people to take their winning and buy crap they wanted out of an on-studio showcase? People joke about it now, but I kind of liked the idea. Won five grand? Need a new TV? Buy one now, save yourself some time. Plus you don't get stuck with shitty prizes like a trip to Hilton Head, South Carolina. I know it's supposed to be nice there, but it's in fucking South Carolina, how nice could it really be?

Rating: n/a



Aladdin

2012-07-28
From: Paul
Comments: Shit, Peter! Not you, too? That was one lame-ass, bullshit story! N-word, please!

Rating: n/a



Montezumas Revenge

2012-07-28
From: Paul
Comments: An odd game in the vein of "Cool Spot" and the like. With its none-too-subtle allusion to the usually explosive and fluid diarrhea endemic to most of Mexico, it should come as no surprise that this game is little more than a product placement vehicle for Tums antacid tablets. The gameplay actually isn't that bad, but the challenge just isn't good enough to overcome the blatant shilling that the game represents.

Rating: n/a



Bank Panic

2012-07-28
From: Paul
Comments: An ambitious, if unusual, managerial type game centered around the global financial crisis of 2008. The level of detail is quite remarkable and the player is allowed to sell or trade all manners of high-risk, high-yield securities and derivatives no matter what the consequences will be down the line. Gameplay is good, the graphics are inherently limited by the style of play, but all-in-all, quite good. One wonders, though, who the target audience for such a game actually was...

Rating:



Desert Speedtrap

2012-07-27
From: Paul
Comments: Brad is full of shit. This game is, in fact, based upon the Harvey Keitel movie "The Bad Lieutenant" though, for various legal purposes, the name and setting of the game were changed. Other than that, it is quite faithful to (parts of) the movie, the game mostly consisting of forcing teenage girls to pull their cars over so you can masturbate in front of them while the girl who was driving simulates oral sex while the girl in the passenger seat cries uncontrollably expecting to be raped (until she sees you ejaculate all over the driver's side door). Despite the awesome premise, the game actually becomes quite tiresome after a while.

Rating: n/a



A Turma Da Monica

2012-07-21
From: Paul
Comments: No one asked you, Peter. No shit it's probably not Mitt Romney! Thanks, dick. Made as much sense as Mitt does, though.

Rating: n/a



Spider Man

2012-06-11
From: Paul
Comments: Well, if I were you, I'd be worried about Lyme Disease, but I'm not, so here's some advice: they used to say that ticks were attracted to darker colors, blacks, browns, and the like, so perhaps you could paint or otherwise color your penis to help attract the little fuckers, though you'd still have the problem of them not staying on your wang and instead migrating to relative safety to the wrinkly folds of your withered nutsack. I should mention, however, that more recent research would suggest that such parasites may, in fact, be attracted to the carbon dioxide that we exhale. In that case, you should either curl up in a ball, naked on the forest floor while breathing heavily on your genitals, or you should leave your car's motor running while you put your pud near the exhaust pipe. On second thought, the CO2 thing might have concerned mosquitoes instead, but it might be worth a shot, right? For that matter, have you tried mosquito bites on your dick? That could produce a similar reaction. Happy hunting.

Rating: n/a



Alex Kidd: the Lost Stars

2012-06-02
From: Paul
Comments: So is a kick in the nuts.

Rating: n/a



Ghost House

2012-01-20
From: Paul
Comments: How am I a "sick fuck"? My mom caught me jerking off; it happens, asshole. Trust me, if I could undue all that shit, I would. Close the door, I mean. You know, so Mom couldn't watch me stroking the enormous girth of my turgid member only to see massive jets of semen burst forth over and over, covering my nude body in their warm, sticky embrace.

Rating: n/a



Zillion

2012-01-20
From: Paul
Comments: Metroid? Get out of here with that Metroid shit! This is the SEGA MASTER SYSTEM MUSEUM, fool!

Rating: n/a



Xenon 2

2012-01-20
From: Paul
Comments: Better yet: what do moms do with them? Huh? Any stories, perverts?

Rating: n/a



Xenon 2

2012-01-20
From: Paul
Comments: Get off my back!

Rating: n/a



Penguin Land

2011-12-28
From: Paul
Comments: Me too.

Rating: n/a



Alex Kidd: the Lost Stars

2011-12-16
From: Paul
Comments: Can't believe this piece of shit was actually an arcade game, too. We had a chain of nickel arcades where I'm from back in the day, and even a nickel would be too much to play this shit, let alone a quarter. I pity anyone who has played this game.

Rating:



Krustys Fun House

2011-12-05
From: Paul
Comments: You sure know a lot about sick, sexual stuff like that, Peter. A little too much....

Rating: n/a



My Hero

2011-12-05
From: Paul
Comments: Keep fighting the good fight, BluBlaDe.

Rating: n/a



Psychic World

2011-12-03
From: Paul
Comments: Why are you always coming down on me, buttfuck? There are way bigger assholes here than me, pick on them you cocksucker!

Rating: n/a



Champions of Europe

2011-11-29
From: Paul
Comments: Enjoy your nine months of winter, asshole. That, and living off of the geopolitical gravy-train that is being America's neighbor. Hey, at least you don't have to do whatever the British tell you to do, anymore.

Rating: n/a



California Games

2011-11-29
From: Paul
Comments: Women don't hate sex, BluBlaDe. They hate sex with you. Hell, they hate sex with me, too. No matter, because soon enough all women will realize that they are better off as lesbians and all men will realize that they'll be better off fucking life-like female androids.

Rating: n/a



California Games 2

2011-11-29
From: Paul
Comments: Can't help it, my man. How do you do it?

Rating: n/a



Air Rescue

2011-11-29
From: Paul
Comments: This is a website. If you smell shit, it's you.

Rating: n/a



Champions of Europe

2011-11-28
From: Paul
Comments: Nuh, uh!

Rating: n/a



Ayrton Senna GP

2011-11-27
From: Paul
Comments: I didn't say it wasn't manly (though it really isn't) I said it was boring as fuck.

Rating: n/a



Ghost House

2011-11-13
From: Paul
Comments: I would like to thank you and your colleagues once more for your and their insights regarding these matters. I would like to communicate to you that upon further questioning, my mother has admitted that she HAS found me in flagrante dilecto (i.e. masturbating) on two separate occasions, both of which left her absolutely mortified. She insists that neither encounter was on the morning in question, both occurring at a later date, and she is adamant about not uttering "oh, yeah" in response to seeing my self-abuse. As I mentioned before, this would be quite out of character for my mother to do, so despite her not being totally forthcoming about witnessing my jerking off, I still believe her to be truthful regarding that specific incident. She related the admitted incidents to me as follows: she heard odd noises coming from my room and, given my habitual carelessness in closing my door, was able to watch the proceedings both times to their obvious completion. She described being almost transfixed by what she saw, uncomfortable but unable to make herself turn away until I was "finished". She mentioned being shocked at both the forcefulness and copiousness of my ejaculate in comparison to that of my father, whom she characterized as a "dribbler". Needless to say, this knowledge was unsought and has caused me no small amount of discomfiture. She also mentioned becoming aroused at the sight of my erect penis which, though of average length, is impressive in girth, but I digress. Regardless of any of this, I thank you again for your help.

Rating: n/a



Ghost House

2011-11-11
From: Paul
Comments: Thank you again for your insights into my "problems". I look forward to hearing more of what you and your colleagues can make from the masturbation incident. There really are only two possibilities: that it was my mother, and that it was a ghost. My mom is continuing in her denials of having witnessed and commented on my autoerotic activities. She is also getting tired of answering questions about it; I not sure what that means, exactly. Is she hiding something, or does she just not want to talk about me jerking off? In any event, I am optimistic that you can help me reach a more definitive answer.

Rating: n/a



Ghost House

2011-11-10
From: Paul
Comments: In answer to your question, I don't recall having an orgasm either in, or during, the dream. I remembered the first young woman mounting me as the other one watched rather passively. The act then continued for a while until I abruptly woke up. I was quite disappointed at the timing, I assure you. In any event, thank you for your insight into these issues. I finally do feel that the masturbation episode is pretty much resolved. Having pressed my mother further on the matter, she assures me that she did not witness me masturbating at that time or any other time. She was also very clear that had she witnessed me in the act in question, she would not have made any sort of comment, neither voluntary or involuntary. It would have been of no surprise to find me doing so, she said, but she would in no way want me to feel uncomfortable about the act of masturbating. Thank you again for your help.

Rating: n/a



Ghost House

2011-11-09
From: Paul
Comments: Thank you for your response, Mr. Donovan. I found it to be quite helpful. I was especially interested in your comments regarding ghosts having sex with us being manifested in our dreams. As it happens, I had quite an erotic dream the other night. I will spare you most of the details, but suffice it to say that I was having sex with one young lady while another young lady watched us. I had hoped to have sex with the other young woman, but I woke up before that. I now realize that I was, in fact, having sex with a ghost when I was dreaming about having sex with the first young woman. My question to you is: was the other woman, the one just watching the proceedings, also a ghost or was she merely a product of the dream itself? Thank you in advance for any information you can provide on this matter. As for the matter of the ghost that I believe watched me masturbate in my youth, a few days ago I described the incident to my mother (the only woman in the house at the time) and asked her directly if she had seen me masturbating and then made the "oh, yeah" remark. She responded that she did not. In fact, she said that she had never witness me masturbating at any time during my adolescence (though she knew I did do it) and that, if she had, she would certainly not behaved in such a manner towards me about it. Thus, my original conclusion regarding the matter would seem to hold true: it was a ghost. It still leaves me with many questions, though.

Rating: n/a



Bomber Raid

2011-10-25
From: Paul
Comments: I hate the woman, but I'd still make love to her butt.

Rating: n/a



Alien Storm

2011-09-25
From: Paul
Comments: I will not be dictated to by you or anyone else, Peter. Regardless of what you seem to think, you are not the guardian of this site, nor are you the arbiter of what should be written here. I have, for the most part, tried to comment on the actual games or, failing that, have tried to bring a little kind-hearted levity to these pages, largely in the absence of anything else but poorly written pornographic stories. That that is what you want from people here is nothing short of an indictment of you and your depraved mind. Just leave me alone, Peter. Sorry I don't have any "interesting" stories about being molested or dry-humping my mother's high heels. Ass.

Rating: n/a



Geralddinho

2011-09-25
From: Paul
Comments: What's changed, Peter? You used to bitch about people not reviewing games, now you don't want us to review games but instead write repugnant stories of our most unsettling sexual desires? What's the deal? Seriously, I want to know. The only thing you seem to be consistent about is being a dick.

Rating: n/a



California Games

2011-09-25
From: Paul
Comments: That is exactly what I was talking about, Peter. Less than two months ago in your post below you were chastising people FOR writing their stupid little sex stories and now you're encouraging it! What a dipshit....

Rating: n/a



Shadow of the Beast

2011-09-23
From: Paul
Comments: The real problem regarding nudist resorts, camps, or beaches, is that the people who want to be nude all the time are not at all the people that YOU would want to be nude all the time. Most of the time, I doubt possible erection would even be a problem.

Rating: n/a



Golden Axe Warrior

2011-09-21
From: Paul
Comments: I liked this game, but I didn't like the things it made me do.

Rating:



Sensible Soccer

2011-09-21
From: Paul
Comments: Caught Chelsea and Manchester United on Sunday. Meh...

Rating: n/a



Choplifter

2011-09-20
From: Paul
Comments: Remember to check the "Jesus nut" before takeoff.

Rating:



Alex Kidd: the Lost Stars

2011-09-19
From: Paul
Comments: This game is a turd. An absolute turd. Also, I am not a rapist.

Rating:



Sonic the Hedgehog

2011-09-17
From: Paul
Comments: Sonic does not look like a real hedgehog. Sonic does not act like a real hedgehog. I hate him.

Rating:



Phantasy Star

2011-09-14
From: Paul
Comments: Oh sure, I can understand the appeal of a hot chick wielding a sword, but it goes without saying that such a girl is liable to cut your penis off at the least provocation. So think about that, nerds.

Rating: n/a



Alex Kidd in Miracle World

2011-08-30
From: Paul
Comments: Then who'd have saved you from the Krauts?

Rating: n/a



Alex Kidd in Miracle World

2011-08-29
From: Paul
Comments: Boy that stings!

Rating: n/a



Masters of Combat

2011-08-26
From: Paul
Comments: You have a healthy imagination.

Rating: n/a



Pacmania

2011-08-25
From: Paul
Comments: Pac-Man is a little yellow ball that eats even smaller white balls for sustenance and career advancement. On a similar note, though not a yellow ball, my mother licks white balls for sustenance and career advancement. To be fair, she licks balls of many colors, not just white. My underwear often have stains in them. My mother, when not licking balls, will launder them with bleach to get the stains out. Some of the stains are brownish. Those are towards the seat of the underwear. Other stains, mostly in the frontal area or "crotch" of the underwear are yellowish. Yet other stains, also in the crotch area are a different shade of yellow, a fainter yellow. These stains are a product of me ejaculating. You see, some people are "come as you are" sort of people; I am a "cum where you are" person and I'm almost always in my underwear. My mom really only minds the brownish stains as she says they are a product of sloth, which is a sin. Perhaps true, I always say, but I am always quick to remind her that licking balls for money is also widely regarded as a moral transgression or "sin". At this she tells me to go fuck myself which I do leading to the pale white stains, the ones that can form a crust. Mom is certainly no stranger to these, as they are to be found on her clothes more often than on mine. Now, when I say "lick balls" I using that somewhat euphemistically, if not euphemistically then at least as some sort of shorthand for the wide variety of sexual services that my mother is willing to provide. Few of her customers would be satisfied merely by having their balls licked. No, not at all. Intercourse would seem to be the standard fare of any prostitute worth their salt. In this my mother proves to be no exception. She gets tested for AIDS bi-monthly to make sure she doesn't have AIDS, which is pretty much the only thing that an AIDS test is good at determining. She also gets tested for other STDs and has remained disease free throughout her career. Every time the test returns are negative she takes me and my brother out for pizza. Where she doesn't take me or my brother is in the mouth, ass, or pussy. It is a policy that she has not to service family and friends. I wonder if there is a dollar amount that would make her consider amending that policy, but this is merely out of curiosity because I have no sexual interest in my mother. My brother seems to, however, and my mother is always telling him that she is not about to start taking her work home with her, which is somewhat ironic in start she services all of her customers in our house or backyard. I guess she was speaking metaphorically. She is a good provider for her family. She also seems to be a pretty good prostitute despite having what several of her clients refer to as a "horse pussy". I take this to mean that her pussy is loose or big or capacious. I imagine that this is not uncommon among prostitutes because of the peculiar nature of their avocation. They use their pussies more often than most women and are often tasked with pushing the envelope. Anyway, I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my admissions essay to Harvard. I hope I was provided with the right web address with which to submit it. We are poor despite my mother's long hours of sucking and fucking and I will need financial aid. Thank you again and I am going to get me a plane ticket to wherever the fuck Harvard is after I masturbate. Believe you me, I will also be masturbating in the aircraft's lavatory during the flight.

Rating: n/a



Pacmania

2011-08-25
From: Paul
Comments: Living as we do in the so-called information age, I am surprised that I have not heard back from you yet regarding my inevitable acceptance into your university. I say inevitable because you are by now well aware of my academic standing. My SAT scores were superlative, which is a word. As you know, a man of my intellectual capacity and accomplished has many academic suitors. I have sent similar applications to both Stanford University and the DeVry Institute, but I am waiting on your decision because Harvard is my first choice despite my almost pathological hatred of New England accents. Excuse then my haste and frustration at the matter, but it affects not only myself but my family. My mother has taken on quite a number of additional clients, or "Johns", in anticipation of the exorbitant tuition fees that you foist on a gullible public in a largely successful effort to create an image of exclusivity based on quality, a conspiratorial clusterfuck born of snootiness and pseudo-intellectualism which I was cautioned about by my professors at Riverside Community College, two of which I've had sex with. In closing, the world of higher education is at a place in history where it cannot afford to turn away brilliant students such as myself. My SAT scores, I may remind you, are superlative, which is a word. I was going to take the ACT until I found out about its primacy vis-a-vis Brigham Young University. I think we can agree that Mormonism is an abomination, despite the obvious correctness of its end-times worldview and the subservient role of woman. Not to mention the underage girls. Don't get me started on that, believe you me. Now, I'm a law-abiding man, but they aren't making fourteen year olds now the way they did back in my youth. The Mormon ones will let you jump them. I know because I had a friend that was a so-called "jack Mormon" who lived in the extreme west of Texas amongst an isolated separatist sect of Mormonism. I'll cut to the chase regarding that, but suffice it to say that we were all ass-deep in tight, young pussy that summer! Several got pregnant, I guess. I had a girlfriend in high school that had a toxic shock reaction to the latex in the condom that I had the foresight to use whilst fucking her. Needless to say, I have not made that mistake again. It was scary, man. Absolutely scary. My grades during high school and throughout my matriculation at Riverside Community College are, as you are well aware, not up to the usual standards of so pretentious a university as Harvard, but it should be obvious to anyone but a retarded girl that you finger-banged at a bus stop that someone of my intellectual gifts is often a victim of both being misunderstood and of the jealous of petty, small-minded faculty members that are jealous and small-minded regarding the meteoric rise (note: meteors don't rise) of a shooting star such as myself. Did you realize that a retarded girl cannot consent to sexual intercourse? It goes somewhat obviously without saying that I found this out the hard way. The girl just found out the hard, if you catch my drift. You should because it wasn't the least bit cryptic a comment, but you'll understand well that I have spent the better part of my life "dumbing things down" for those that don't have my gifts. Clarity of thought, mostly. In closing, I would like to reiterate that my mother is turning beaucoup tricks to support my academic career of unbridled excellence. She has have several abortions, something which I support her in getting and having the right to get at her demand. As mentioned in my essay, she is also disease free, if that has any bearing on the admissions process. My brother is clearly jealous of my success and has taken to ejaculating on me as I sleep, a most discomfiting new reality for me, I assure you, though it has given me a renewed appreciation for the sacrifices that my mother has made in furthering my almost messianic rise from nothing to genius. But this had to be obvious to you. I picture there being a lot of Asian girls there. They seem to have different public hair than white people. I can't explain it entirely, but it is different. Oh, yes, noticeably so. Anyway, I look forward to it tickling my nose. I must warn you, however, that this will be my last contact with you if my acceptance is not pending within an hour or so. This is the fabulous internet age, is it not. Perhaps I should not pressure you, for your decision is but a formality, whereas my decision is truly epoch-changing in its meaning for higher education and for America as a whole. Will it continue to be a shining beacon of freedom for all the world? Will it continue to be an island of liberty in an otherwise empty ocean of shitty countries full of brown people? You may answer this, but only I can truly answer this. My brother says that I am a fucking idiot, but he is merely overawed by my prowess. My mother is, even as I type this, giving her all in support of my career at the university or institute of my choice. I hope it is clear to all that a prostitutes life is not like that movie "Pretty Woman" with that horse-faced snatch Julia Roberts playing the hooker with the heart of gold archetype. My mother's life is one degrading sex act after another and she does this day in day out, penis in penis out, after another. That she has an unnatural fondness for penis is beside the point, that she was a prostitute before I was born is beside the point, that I am the bastard child of a turnip farmer is, perhaps, not beside the point if it is taken into consideration as part of the admissions process. My academic achievement have already been noted by me; it is my worldliness that I believe would most benefit your university of east coast dandies and bull-dyke feminists. I have had sex with dozens of women, mostly through Craigslist, including the aforementioned retarded girl that still writes me despite prohibitions against her doing so. It goes without saying, then, what kind of lover I can be if I put my mind to it and not just want to finish. In closing, you are certainly within your rights to turn the screw on my like this and keep me twisting in the wind in anticipation of my acceptance to your university, but it really is kind of a bitch move on your part. And believe you me as I tell you this, we bastards and whores know little of your upper crust ways, but we do know something of honor and decency. I'll have you know that my mother, the woman whose name you no doubt sully as a worthless cum-swallowing whore, is descend for no less than Varina Howell Davis, first lady of the Confederate States of America. Maybe that doesn't mean much to you or to me, but it means a fuck of a lot to a lot of hillbillies and white supremacists, both of whom I disavow any knowledge of. In closing, thank you for reading both my original essay and my stirring and cogent remarks contained within this message, wise words that you no doubt are convinced were insinuated directly into my brain by the Lord God. I assure you, this is not true. My your lives be as meaningful as my own.

Rating: n/a



Pacmania

2011-08-25
From: Paul
Comments: It has come to my attention through various back channel means that there has been something of a whisper campaign against my being accepted into your prestigious if overrated university. If I have been told this in error, disregard the bulk of this message. If these rumors are indeed true, but you are still evaluating my application for admission in an earnest and impartial manner, then I need only remind you of my inescapable awesomeness when it comes to both academic and sexual matters, most of which I have expounded upon in earlier missives. If, however, the rumors are both true AND you have acted upon these base charges in a negative manner regarding myself I must that the you would have to be the most cowardly and worthless pieces-of-shit that this world has ever seen outside of Ayn Rand. After such an unreasonable slight, I can only suggest that you all choke to death on the very next cock you take into your mouth so you can speed yourselves to everlasting damnation and the horrible yet just fires of Hell in which people like you always end up. I cannot stress enough how truly vile and shiftless people you must be to throw away my promising career all for the sake of your own avarice. You may think that you have the power and ability to hold me back, to keep this planet's finite resources out of my grasp for just a few years longer but a man of my intellectual and inspirational powers cannot be forestalled by grasping wastrels such as yourselves. You are narrow and small. I am a giant, a colossus of mind and penis. Your pettiness has been your undoing and believe you me that I can unleash upon you destructive powers the likes of which this world has never seen. If you believe me now to be overstating my case, I assure you that that is true to an extent. It has become my habit to do so. But I am not completely impotent in this regard and can strike back at my enemies. I, too, have shown a willingness to do so in my young life. A trail of ruined lives lies in my wake, the lives of those who have had the gall to stand in my way, to stand in the way of human progress. My wrath has not been confined to the small, either, the shopkeepers, lunch ladies, postal carriers, paperboys, and the like. No, so too have sundry luminaries (in a relative sense, at least) fallen victim to my oft capricious wrath. Psychiatrists, pharmacists, teachers, semi-pro football players, and carpenters (like Jesus was) have all been made to pay for their insolence, made to pay for their crimes against me and against order itself. Do not think for one moment that you are safe from my rage; no ivory tower is high enough to escape my reach. This is all, of course, only on the condition of my being rejected for admission to your fine university. Otherwise, as I said towards the beginning of this nascent manifesto, please disregard the above scary, baseless threats. In the interest of further guaranteeing my acceptance into Harvard, I have taken the liberty of mailing to you (through so-called snail mail due to the size of the document) a copy of a high school paper I wrote analyzing the novel Wuthering Heights, a paper so uniquely penetrating that excerpts were published, unprecedentedly, in both the school newspaper and Penthouse Forum. Needless to say, the individual excerpts were different and I did have to see a counselor briefly upon its publication in the school newspaper, the editor of which was my first sexual partner and an easily manipulated she-nerd. Her position at the paper was sacrificed so that my genius and insight could be promulgated to the eager masses of shitheads at my school. I should mention that upon reading it, my English teacher saw fit to preform fellatio upon my person a then record three times over the course of the next two weeks. This, in turn, led to the publication of my second work, again by Penthouse Forum, entitled "Head of the Class". The title, inspired by the insipid eighties sitcom of the same name, led to a frivolous lawsuit initiated by me against NBC and the producers of that lame-ass show. While the case was thrown out with extreme prejudice and my lawyer was disbarred soon afterward, it should be pointed out in my defense that the kinda hot redhead chick in "Head of the Class" supposedly said one time that she would date black dudes. What kind of shit is that? Seriously? I know it was the Reagan era, but shit. Plus there's nothing better in terms of interracial porn than a super black guy fucking the holy shit out of some pale, redheaded chick. You think she would be more open-minded regarding that kind of thing with all of the prejudice towards ginger-haired fuckers such as herself, though I guess that is more pronounce in the UK than here. With regard to my English teacher performing oral sex on me, it continued until I handed in my admittedly incendiary book review of the Autobiography of Malcolm X. I consider this to be my finest work and perhaps something of a Bible for the post-racial world we are now starting to see emerge from the fog of our collective racist past. Salient, too, in the matter, is the fact that her husband had found out about her dalliance with my dangler and beat her up pretty bad and threatening to "cut" me. Understandably, this led me back into the arms of Cindy who, though deposed by the powers-that-be at the school newspaper, was still president of the school's moribund chess club which consisted, in its entirety, of me, her, and a kid that had whatever the hell Stephen Hawking has. His wheelchair didn't even have one of those robot-voiced talking things, so we'd just push him into a corner and fuck like hell right in that classroom. Exhilarating is the word for it. She like to do it standing doggy-style and man can you do that anywhere. She'd bark sometimes, too, and was totally into dirty talk. It was here in these formative days that I learned most affirmatively that plain, even homely, girls can be a great deal of fun. It's not like you have to tell your friends about them or actually be boyfriend and girlfriend. She lost a hand in Iraq, but I think a might give her a call and a ride for old times' sake before I head out your way. I was never much for handies, anyway. I'm sure that my wisdom concerning the debauching of unpopular girls in no revelation to older dorks such as yourselves, as I am sure your sexual lives are nothing beyond several awkward encounters with some girl you were playing Dungeons & Dragons with, with perhaps the occasional rich-nerd trophy wife thrown in for good measure. Congratulations, a hot chick fucks you once a year on your birthday. In closing, thank you for your obvious continued interest in my studying at your university, though I am certainly aware that such interest is hardly altruistic given the advantages that Harvard would accrue upon my acceptance there versus anywhere else. In closing, you may have notice my mother is conspicuous by her absence in this message. It seems that she was none too happy regarding her inclusion in my previous works and I have thus resolved to not include her or her whoring ways in this opus. It would seem that my dickhead brother's jealousy has again reared its ugly head and bitten me in the ass. He will be dealt with, I assure you. I await your answer, but be warned yet again: I am a resource coveted by many, that I am contacting you is because I wish it, not you.

Rating: n/a



Streets of Rage

2011-08-22
From: Paul
Comments: Peter IS dumb, half the time anyway.

Rating: n/a



Enduro Racer

2011-08-20
From: Paul
Comments: Well, Rich, I think that that is more the norm than the rest of the perverts here would have you believe. My mom would often touch my little pee-pee while helping me bathe. Used to make me drop my cigarette into the water. Pissed me off.

Rating: n/a



Quartet

2011-08-17
From: Paul
Comments: Interesting conversation of sorts. I myself have what my doctor calls a "man-clit", meaning that my penis, while functional in both sexual and urinary uses, is no larger than the average woman's clitoris. My doctor (who is female) says that it is nothing to be ashamed of, but she often has to fight back laughter every time she is in the presence of "it" (the clit). She has also mentioned that her clitoris is actually larger than my penis. When pressed by me regarding this, she ended up showing it to me but I was not allowed to rub or lick it as was my plan. Paul out.

Rating: n/a



Scramble Spirits

2011-08-17
From: Paul
Comments: What I should have said is that the airplane looks like what a penis SHOULD look like, that is: quite distinct from my own. I had a lesbian friend at junior college that would suck on it a little. She wasn't ready to come out to her family, so I served as her "beard". I looked the part of a boyfriend for the sake of fooling her parents, but my tiny penis meant that I was also pretty close to an actual girlfriend, too. Fun times. Onward and upward!

Rating: n/a



Super Space Invader

2011-08-14
From: Paul
Comments: Tell us more Brad! Man that gave me a stiffy!

Rating:



PitPot

2011-08-14
From: Paul
Comments: Little late for the registered user route; would have been great eight or so years ago.

Rating: n/a



F-1 Racing

2011-08-13
From: Paul
Comments: F1 racing is boring shit, thus a game about F1 racing is probably boring shit, too.

Rating: n/a



Ghostbusters

2011-08-10
From: Paul
Comments: Yes, Peter, I did sometimes feel that way, although I started out with the economy model car sometimes. For what it is worth, I don't believe you're a racist, Peter, because you are a liberal and liberals are as intolerant of racism as they are of organized religion and anyone who isn't tolerant. Ironic? Yes. And sure, a lot of liberals nowadays have a self-congratulatory and almost knee-jerk dislike of Israel, but racism? Never.

Rating: n/a



Galaxy Force

2011-08-09
From: Paul
Comments: This game looks pretty cool, but I'm so desperately lonely that I don't know if it really is cool or if I simply need it as an electronic friend of sorts.

Rating: n/a



Super Off Road Race

2011-08-08
From: Paul
Comments: You should.

Rating: n/a



Gangster Town

2011-08-08
From: Paul
Comments: How come, Peter? Is it because you've ruined this site? Is it because you admitted to licking your own dick which, among other things, mean that you're a pseudofag? Is it because you are a greasy dago and Kevin's stinging words have left you ashamed over the innate shiftlessness of your tribe of Southern European man-apes? Or is it just a generalized shame of being a know-nothing douchebag loser that can only manipulate the fattest and nastiest of skanks into having sex with you? Or is it perhaps a combo platter of shame, that is, all of the above? Fuck you and fuck yo mama.

Rating: n/a



Rambo: First Blood Part II

2011-07-14
From: Paul
Comments: I think the real Peter could figure out the maximum number of characters one can use in the name, just saying, "I am the real P".

Rating: n/a



Phantasy Star

2011-07-14
From: Paul
Comments: No, no...you're confusing my usage of the word "vibe" with the Hello Kitty vibe that you borrow from your mongoloid sister. Just remember to wash it after you use it but before you return it to her. She could get a rather nasty infection if you don't, Peter. Why do I feel I should call you Sam?

Rating: n/a



Alex Kidd in Shinobi World

2011-07-14
From: Paul
Comments: Maybe, but we're both here doing essentially the same thing. Guess you're a loser, too.

Rating: n/a



Out Run

2011-07-14
From: Paul
Comments: Suck my dick, bitch! You ain't my moms.

Rating: n/a



Penguin Land

2011-07-14
From: Paul
Comments: No, you shut up. I've been here, keeping this site alive to some degree, where you been at, homey? I know it ain't no job. I know you ain't been with no bitch 'cause even the lowest fleabag whore has more self-esteem than to let an ass-clown like you climb all over her and give her the old two-pump-and-dump. Fuck.

Rating: n/a



Prince of Persia

2011-07-08
From: Paul
Comments: Only got into the franchise with Prince of Persia II on my PC. That was an awesome, challenging game. Played this since (PC version again) and it doesn't measure up (nor should it, though, in all fairness). SMS version? I'll pass.

Rating: n/a



Mak Kong

2011-07-07
From: Paul
Comments: All the other nonsense aside, does anyone know what the hell this game is even about?

Rating: n/a



Columns

2011-07-07
From: Paul
Comments: Never was much for puzzle games like Tetris or this. Always seemed like kind of a waste of a video game's potential. Just one man's opinion.

Rating:



Bank Panic

2011-07-07
From: Paul
Comments: This is actually sort of fun. Never had the actual game, itself, but I did play it via an emulator and it was good for a few hours of entertainment.

Rating:



Phantasy Star

2011-07-07
From: Paul
Comments: This game always gave me a sort of He-Man/Masters of the Universe vibe and not in a good way. It was like they both wanted to be all things to all people with the odd mixture of sci-fi and fantasy elements. You've got space travel and all sorts of advanced technologies on one side, then you've got people casting spells and fighting with swords on the other. Pick a genre and stick with it, I say. Successful franchise(s), though, no doubt about it. I guess there's something to being a jack of all trades, master of none, after all.

Rating: n/a



Driving Pack

2011-07-06
From: Paul
Comments: Can't help but think that this is several shitty driving games bundled together. That is, if it was ever released.

Rating: n/a



Astro Warrior

2011-07-04
From: Paul
Comments: Okay game, I guess, but the lack of any detailed backstory made me wonder why I was tasked with killing thousands of aliens. I could not help but feel manipulated.

Rating:



Wonder Boy III: The Dragons Trap

2011-06-24
From: Paul
Comments: You should probably know whether or not you're Irish. As for being a cunt, I'm sure that there are any number of people that could answer that question for you. Are you a cunt? I don't know, but you sure as shit love using the word. Can't blame you, though, it's a great word.

Rating: n/a



Time Soldiers

2011-05-13
From: Paul
Comments: Perhaps the most faithful arcade translation managed by the Master System, at least in my opinion. Not the greatest game regardless of format, though.

Rating:



Forgotten Worlds

2011-05-12
From: Paul
Comments: Forgotten game, seems like. That doesn't generally happen to the good ones.

Rating: n/a



Micro Machines

2011-05-11
From: Paul
Comments: There was always something odd about a toy being based upon another toy. I mean, if you wanted to play with Micro Machines, wouldn't you just do it? Be a hell of a lot cheaper than these games used to be. Silly.

Rating:



Predator 2

2011-05-11
From: Paul
Comments: Can a bad movie spawn a good game? Probably not.

Rating:



Reggie Jackson Baseball

2011-05-11
From: Paul
Comments: We're each entitled to our own opinions, joe, but to think that Great Baseball is better than this really has me worried about your mental state. It's been almost a year since you posted; here's hoping that your getting the help you need.

Rating:



Alien Storm

2011-05-11
From: Paul
Comments: Tasteless game where vigilantes roam the streets of an unnamed Southwestern city beating up illegal immigrants and intimidating them into leaving the country. The bonus levels consist of said immigrants being paid poor wages for backbreaking work. Really shameful stuff.

Rating:



Alien Syndrome

2011-05-11
From: Paul
Comments: Pretty faithful adaptation of the arcade game; whether that is a good thing or not is up to individual players.

Rating:



Aztec Adventure

2011-05-11
From: Paul
Comments: This may rise to the level of being an unheralded Master System classic. It even inspired the child version of myself to contemplate an Aztec Adventure-based cartoon. Unfortunately, I had neither the talent, nor ambition, nor financial backing to make such a thing happen, but it inspired me nonetheless. Anyone else have trouble with that damn bat? I like bats, too. Real bats, anyway.

Rating:



R-Type

2011-05-11
From: Paul
Comments: Side-scrolling shooters always strike me as glorified versions of Defender (which they are in a way, I suppose); R-Type is no exception to this "rule" of mine. Guess there's only so much that can be done within the side-scrolling format. Oh, well.

Rating:



Assault City

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: Incidentally, this game had some of the best box art of any Master System game. Unfortunately, it seemed that as the SMS aged, the coolness of the box art was inversely proportional to the quality of the game itself. That is, the better the picture on the cover, the worse the game. So goes marketing, I guess.

Rating:



After Burner

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: Anyone remember how many levels you could get through just by flying in a constant hard turn? At least eleven or twelve if memory serves. After that, though, you were in for a surprise.

Rating:



Rambo: First Blood Part II

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: Pity they didn't make a game about the first movie. Shooting up a sheriff's department because they hassled you is a lot more fun than any post-Vietnam revenge/rescue fantasy.

Rating:



Streets of Rage 2

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: Listen, we've all had to deal with rage at some point in our lives, but street fighting is not the answer. Try chamomile tea or masturbation instead.

Rating:



Strider 2

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: Mixed reviews for this one. I always thought that the original Strider sucked ass and, more often than not, sequels are worse.

Rating:



Strider

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: Obviously I was joking below. Russian men should not only be used for forced labor; they are also good at playing hockey. Russian women, however, should indeed be fucked as vigorously and as often as time allows. Regardless, Strider sucks.

Rating:



Super Tennis

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: Not sure what was super about it, but it was good for a few minutes of entertainment every once in a while.

Rating:



T2: Arcade Game

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: Is this a Light Phaser game? If so, it probably sucked it.

Rating: n/a



The Ninja

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: I remember this being frustratingly difficult, even when playing on an emulator. I also outgrew the fascination that many boys have with ninjas. Now they just seem kind of lame. Yes, I said it...ninjas are lame.

Rating:



Rastan

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: This game represented my greatest triumph as a Master System gamer: I completed this game with only one life. Never died, never had to continue. It's not the most difficult game, to be sure, and I realize that many other people probably matched that feat. I'm just mentioning it because I generally sucked at most games due to a pronounced lack of patience. I only did it once, in any event, and a timely acquisition of a fire-sword proved to be the key in defeating the Read Dragon.

Rating:



Ghostbusters

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: Another one of the few games I actually beat fair and square. Even did it without the cheat code that gives you a shitload of money to start out with. Nope, worked my way to the top from the ground up. I lamented the absence of Sigourney Weaver in the game, though, just as I continue to lament the absence of Sigourney Weaver on my face and dick.

Rating:



Rescue Mission

2011-05-10
From: Paul
Comments: Seems an oddly planned operation: one dude tasked with rescuing a seemingly limitless number of his compatriots by way of a tiny handcar. Even odder is why the "enemy" doesn't: a) cut the track, or b) not place the prisoners right next to said track. With a foe so lackwitted, it would seem as if these prisoners could probably rescue themselves just by hitchhiking or some shit.

Rating:



Lord of the Sword

2011-05-09
From: Paul
Comments: I always got into these shitty games because of my now inexplicable love of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Anyone remember the crossover episode where She-Ra came to Eternia to help He-Man and Skeletor convinced Evil-Lyn to cast a spell on them that made them make out with one another while Skeletor and Beast Man watched and Evil-Lyn fisted herself? Me neither. I think I imagined it.

Rating:



Buggy Run

2011-05-09
From: Paul
Comments: A strange game, loosely based on Out Run, that centered around an Amish boy and his sister traveling through rural Pennsylvania in a buggy ostensibly "racing" against cars and trucks for the best time. Obviously, with a horse and buggy it is impossible to win the game and the whole premise is somewhat bizarre as the only realistic market for the game, the Amish community, had no means of playing it. Another odd business decision by Sega.

Rating:



G.B. Esportes Rad

2011-05-09
From: Paul
Comments: Presumably a Brazilian sports-related game of some kind. I hope for our Brazilian friends that it is good, but a kind of doubt it. I also hope that the 2016 Olympic Games to be held in Rio aren't a total clusterfuck of gang violence and favela riots, but I kind of doubt that, too.

Rating: n/a



Game Box Esportes

2011-05-09
From: Paul
Comments: As mentioned, this is a Brazilian version of California Games, but most of the actual games have been modified: instead of BMX racing, you use a bike to escape from the tourists you've robbed; instead of hacky sack, you kick a transexual in the nuts for refusing to return to the set of the porno you're producing; instead of roller skating, you play a girl trying not to gag while sucking off a horse to pay for your baby's medicine; and instead of half pipe, you kidnap the children of wealthy people and hold them for ransom. The frisbee and surfing events are virtually identical to the original other than different backgrounds featuring hot, scantily-clad women and unattractive, but equally scantily-clad men. Not good, but has it's moments.

Rating:



Dragon

2011-05-09
From: Paul
Comments: So, what role do you think dinosaur and other prehistoric fossils played in the creation of dragon myths?

Rating: n/a



Global Gladiators

2011-05-09
From: Paul
Comments: Speaking of gladiators (sort of), it is interesting that modern notions of homosexuality and heterosexuality did not exist in classical times and, thus, should not be projected back into the past in an attempt to understand contemporary Greek or Roman behavior regarding buttfucking and carpet-munching. Indeed, for the Romans, sexual roles were not seen as "male" versus "female", but rather "active" versus "passive". More bluntly, the roles were "penetrator" versus "penetrated", with the latter role falling to women and younger men.

Rating: n/a



Ghouls and Ghosts

2011-05-09
From: Paul
Comments: There always seemed to be more ghouls than ghosts in this game and I, for one, resented it.

Rating:



Sonic the Hedgehog 2

2011-05-09
From: Paul
Comments: Sonic was, admittedly, a huge hit and Sega took the easy route and made sequels that were nothing more than rehashings of the original. There's something to be said about that, namely "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", but such a mindset usually just leads to a complacency that can become terminal.

Rating:



Sonic the Hedgehog Chaos

2011-05-09
From: Paul
Comments: Yet another iteration of Sonic that leaves you with nothing but a sense of unsatisfying deja vu: if you've played one, you've played them all.

Rating:



Maze Hunter 3D II

2011-05-09
From: Paul
Comments: Don't think this one was released. Two possible reasons for this: 1) the Master System was moribund at the time the game was being developed 2) someone realized just how shitty the first Maze Hunter was and concluded that no one would want a second one.

Rating:



Global Defense

2011-05-09
From: Paul
Comments: More Reagan-era neocon bullshit packaged as a game to indoctrinate impressionable children into blind support of the military-industrial complex. Fuckers.

Rating:



Chase H.Q.

2011-05-07
From: Paul
Comments: Actually not that bad a game. It's fun to pretend you're playing while actually driving, too. Now, you'll kill or injure a few people here or there, but it's a damn good time.

Rating:



Chuck Rock 2

2011-05-07
From: Paul
Comments: Well, shit, the first one was so fucking great, I'll bet this one was even better. I just pray to God that this game was actually released to the gaming public.

Rating:



Bonanza Brothers

2011-05-07
From: Paul
Comments: Well, it does remind me a bit of Keystone Kapers from my Atari 2600 days. In light of that, I'll give it a six.

Rating:



Bubble Bobble

2011-05-07
From: Paul
Comments: This game probably set back paleontology at least twenty years or so.

Rating:



Casino Games

2011-05-07
From: Paul
Comments: The blackjack was okay, but this just couldn't capture the excitement of Las Vegas. Shit, this couldn't even capture the excitement of Reno. Fucking hell, this game couldn't even capture the excitement of an Indian casino. You get the picture.

Rating:



Drop Zone

2011-05-07
From: Paul
Comments: This game is a highly modified port of the notorious Atari 2600 game "Beat 'Em And Eat 'Em" where a dude ejaculates off the side of a building while two women (controlled by the player) try to catch the semen in their mouths. This version does, understandably, have much better graphics thanks to the greater capabilities of the Master System, but gameplay is little different except that rounds are followed by extremely explicit cut-scenes involving cum-swapping, snowballing, and other semen-centered activities common to pornographic films including an especially disturbing scene involving a turkey baster. All in all, a title to avoid.

Rating:



Ghost House

2011-05-07
From: Paul
Comments: I'm pretty sure that a ghost watched me as I masturbated one time. No shit. I was probably sixteen or so and it was early morning, really early (like 5:00 or 5:30), earlier than anyone in my family ever got up. So anyway, the mood struck me for some reason and I started workin' the gherkin pretty good until I heard this voice, this female voice, say "Oh, yeah". Not loudly, but quite clearly. The tone is difficult to describe, even to this day. It was not a sexy, throaty "oh, yeah", of approval or sexual interest. It was not a mocking "oh, yeah" as in "oh, yeah, you disgusting pig", either. Rather, it almost one of nonchalance; a kind of been-there-done-that sort of indifference. Regardless, upon hearing the voice I stopped and looked around, expecting to see someone or to hear someone. Not a sound. No one walking down the hall, no one in the bathroom next to my room, no doors closing, nothing. I was in the habit of leaving my door open a crack to let in a bit of light from the hallway in case I needed to get up in the middle of the night, so despite not seeing any signs of activity other than my own, I had to assume that someone had seen my autoerotic display. The more I thought about the episode, however, the more odd it seemed. It had clearly been a female voice. My sister had moved out of the house by then, so the only female in the house was my mother. Not only did she sleep all the way at the other end of the house (making an unnoticed approach by her unlikely), but it would also have been completely out of character for her to catch her teenage son masturbating and to have responded with a "oh, yeah", regardless of tone. Still the most likely suspect by the next morning, my mother made no mention of any "incidents" during the night or of anything whatsoever; she behaved perfectly normal. Had she been the culprit, I'm entirely certain she would have said something as we pretty much had little chats about damn near everything I did growing up. No, it just didn't seem like something she would do. Who or what else, then? It was a fairly old house that had it's share of creaks and groans from time to time, occasionally even odder noises. I soon became convinced that some spirit, that of a woman presumably, had had the misfortune to stumble upon my self-pleasuring and was somehow disgusted or unimpressed enough by the spectacle to have let out an audible "oh, yeah" at the sight of my efforts. There never were any repeats of the event, something I have always found somehow disappointing.

Rating: n/a



Road Run Demolition

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: No comments? Here's one: I bet that this game either sucks monkey ass or wasn't released because of the SMS's imminent demise. Another comment: I'm lonely.

Rating: n/a



Robocop Vs. Terminator

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: Any game (or movie) with some form of "versus" in the title are almost bound to suck. Kramer vs. Kramer is a possibly exception to that, but it sounds boring as fuck, anyway.

Rating:



Parlour Games

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: Well, it is one of Sega's better title screens, but I had no such expectations. Got pretty good at billiards, at least the 8-bit incarnation, anyway.

Rating:



Quackshot

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: Is this another anti-duck shooting game or what? If it is, fuck this game and fuck everyone who made it!

Rating:



Sports Pack 1

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: I assume that, because there is also a Sports Pack 2, Sports Pack 1 must have been somewhat successful. I will therefore give it a score of 5.

Rating:



Sports Pack 2

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: Despite the only modest success of Sports Pack 1, Sports Pack 2 just could not live up to the legacy of it's not-so-illustrious progenitor. Thus a rating of only 3.

Rating:



World Grand Prix

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: A little too much like Pole Position if you ask me. It was also a bit too late to be so much like Pole Position.

Rating:



World Games

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: If what randar says is true, credit must be given for originality, but it sounds like the execution was still lacking. However, having never played it, I shall not give it a rating. Uh, I just had a more unpleasant bowel movement a few minutes ago. I managed to leave my computer and make it to the bathroom just in time, but I'm still feeling the effects of it. Need to cut back on the spicy foods. It burns.

Rating: n/a



Wonderboy 4

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: I got to where I liked the original Wonder Boy quite a bit, the others not so much. I'll lump this in with the latter and say that it most likely sucks ass.

Rating: n/a



Wonder Boy III: The Dragons Trap

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: Perhaps better than Monster Land, but just barely.

Rating:



Wonder Boy

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: Best of the Wonder Boy franchise: fun, simple, challenging enough to make you work for it, not challenging to the point you're throwing shit (figuratively) or banging your head against a wall.

Rating:



Wonder Boy in Monster Land

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: Ugh...despised this game. Soiled forever the name of Wonder Boy with both the overly convoluted gameplay and the weird, almost disconcertingly odd cover art (see above) that depicts Wonder Boy as something of a psychopath.

Rating:



Hurricanes

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: An odd managerial type game about the University of Miami Hurricanes football team during it's heyday under Jimmy Johnson. The attention to detail within the game is, admittedly, impressive: boosters paying players, strippers being sexually assaulted, cocaine being snorted of hooker's tits, gang shootings, even some football. The downside is that the game only serves to glorify a dark, if superficially successful, chapter of college football history.

Rating:



TransBot

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: Another decent idea fucked over by limitations of the Sega Card. Why? Why, Sega, why did you think that a good idea? Honestly, what was the point of the cards?

Rating:



Out Run 3D

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: Hmm...trying to polish a turd by adding some lame 3D effects. Some things never change.

Rating:



F1

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: Would if I could, Ralph. In all seriousness, what did this game ever do to you? There are plenty of games that I dislike, even hate (Thunder Blade), but I would never want to deny someone else the opportunity of playing. One man's trash is another man's treasure, right? Right, Ralph? Anyone there?

Rating: n/a



Space Harrier 3-D

2011-05-06
From: Paul
Comments: Dumb, distorted, disaster, the real 3 "D"s in 3D. And to ruin the good name of Space Harrier....

Rating:



Light Corridor

2011-05-05
From: Paul
Comments: Interesting game, don't believe it was ever really released for the Master System. Just as well, though, because I'm not sure if it would have translated well.

Rating: n/a



Joe Montana Football

2011-05-05
From: Paul
Comments: The best football game made for the SMS, by far, at least in terms of playability. Walter Payton Football looked okay, but was a mess and an insult to the life and now memory of Walter Payton. Great Football was an abortion (or should have been).

Rating:



Heavyweight Champ

2011-05-05
From: Paul
Comments: Boxing games almost always seemed to suck, perhaps in some way foreshadowing the decline of boxing as a spectator sport. Better than a bunch of MMA dudes dry-humping each other, though.

Rating: n/a



Hang On (Card)

2011-05-05
From: Paul
Comments: Didn't have the card version, but Hang-On was and is a classic.

Rating:



Great Football

2011-05-05
From: Paul
Comments: Another of the ironically named "Great" sports series. Not the worst of the lot, but still bad.

Rating:



Great Baseball

2011-05-05
From: Paul
Comments: I enjoyed playing this game until my Mom beat my ass at it one time. Put my whole world in perspective. She's in prison now, so I look back on those days with a certain nostalgia.

Rating:



GP Rider

2011-05-05
From: Paul
Comments: As a Hang-On loyalist, I just don't want this shit on my Master System.

Rating:



WWF: Steel Cage

2011-05-05
From: Paul
Comments: Took a gander at the screenshot up there..uh, where's the steel cage? What the fuck?

Rating:



World Cup USA 94

2011-05-05
From: Paul
Comments: I remember that World Cup. Americans gave a shit about soccer slightly longer than they usually do.

Rating:



World Cup Italia 90

2011-05-05
From: Paul
Comments: Haven't played it, but it's about soccer so how good could it possibly be?

Rating:



Psychic World

2011-05-04
From: Paul
Comments: Loosely based on my own life, this game allows you to use psychic powers to fight the forces of evil, whereas I actually use my powers to browbeat women into having degrading sex with me.

Rating:



Danan Jungle Figter

2011-05-04
From: Paul
Comments: At first I thought this game was about yogurt, much like Cool Spot is one long, boring commercial for 7-UP. I soon learned, however, that Danan is not even remotely related to Dannon, thus what I thought was another case of crass commercialism actually turned out to be nothing more than a crappy-ass game. From what I understand, when they were focus grouping this game the working title was Shitty Rastan, but due to various trademark and legal issues (potential protests from parents groups and the like over the word "shitty") they decided on Danan: Jungle Fighter, an obvious child of committee thinking.

Rating:



Kings Quest

2011-05-04
From: Paul
Comments: Hear, hear, I second that about cats. Indeed, my best friend is a cat, which sounds kind of pathetic unless you know that my cat is a full-grown female leopard that I stole from a wildlife sanctuary a couple years ago. She isn't terribly affectionate, but she has smote many an enemy of mine with her mighty claws and teeth! I love you, Cyndi Lopper.

Rating: n/a



F-16 Fighting Falcon

2011-05-03
From: Paul
Comments: I also like how the already crappy card games had box covers that merely showed a picture of the damn card. The least Sega could have done was to come up with some first-rate box art as a partial recompense to the dreadful games contained within.

Rating: n/a



Laser Ghost

2011-05-03
From: Paul
Comments: So, what, are you shooting ghosts with lasers here? What's the deal?

Rating: n/a



Formula One Racing

2011-05-01
From: Paul
Comments: Well, if it's anything like actual F1 racing this game is boring as all hell. How such amazing automotive technology can be so damned uninteresting well they actually race is beyond me.

Rating:



Super Monaco GP

2011-04-30
From: Paul
Comments: Didn't really care too much for any SMS racing game, other than Hang-On, but this was okay. If you want awesome retro racing action, download the MAME arcade emulator and then get yourself Continental Circuit. I own that mother-fucker.

Rating:



Super Smash TV

2011-04-30
From: Paul
Comments: Have to take your word for it, yooper. Don't know anything about it.

Rating: n/a



Power Strike

2011-04-30
From: Paul
Comments: None to shabby, actually, but if you want to see real power strikes get your hands on the old USAAF propaganda film "The Last Bomb" about the strategic bombing campaign against Japan during the final months of the Second World War. Amongst other things, there's some great color footage of VII Fighter Command P-51s strafing the holy hell out of anything that moves: trains, factories, boats, airfields, et cetera. Wild stuff. The film is included as a bonus in the documentary DVD Japan's War in Colour. See if you can find it as it is quite good in it's own right.

Rating:



Psycho Fox

2011-04-28
From: Paul
Comments: Great, great game. Magical Hat Flying Turbo Adventure is considered to be a sequel of sorts. Played it a few years ago via a Genesis emulator and it was pretty damn good.

Rating:



Taz Mania

2011-04-28
From: Paul
Comments: Tasmanian Devils are kind of cool little critters, but the world was a much poorer place with the extinction of the so-called Tasmanian Tiger or Thylacine. I cry every about that. Every fucking day.

Rating:



Taz Mania 2

2011-04-28
From: Paul
Comments: Seriously, go find some old footage of the Thylacine in a cage and see if you don't get at least a little sad. The poor creature is perhaps the last of it's kind, pacing around waiting for oblivion. People suck.

Rating:



Great Basketball

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Shitty game, no doubt about it. I've watched a good many basketball games in my day, and I've never seen a player shoot a brick only to have the rebound blast off into space at a thousand miles per hour. Fucking lame-ass garbage.

Rating:



Geralddinho

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Shitty game about Geraldo Rivera's childhood. Not a strong effort.

Rating:



Excellent Dizzy

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Now, is being "excellent" better or worse than being "fantastic" with regard to Dizzy-ness?

Rating: n/a



Superman

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: This shitty game is the sole reason why Margot Kidder went crazy (ape shit in clinical terms). It's really that bad. It also, evidently, spooked Christopher Reeve's horse with its overwhelming shittiness.

Rating: n/a



Fantasy Zone 3: The Maze

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Brilliant...let's take the most lame-ass shooter imaginable and somehow make it even worse by turning it into an unbelievably shitty version of Pacman. Fucking genius.

Rating:



Woody Pop

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Yes, I remember that, too, Your Majesty. What distinguishes us, however, is that I wanted nothing to do with the game whatsoever, thus saving me from years of disappointment.

Rating:



Zillion

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: One of the most overrated games of our collective childhoods. Not bad, mind you, just not as good as people give it credit for being.

Rating:



Kung Fu Kid

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Is it just me or is this Black Belt with a little kid instead of a grown-ass dude? Often it is just me, that's why I'm asking.

Rating: n/a



Indiana Jones

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Steven Spielberg sure liked thinking up situations wherein Nazis would get their faces melted. Can't blame him, though. Fuck Nazis.

Rating: n/a



Golden Axe

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Hated being graded by it. You either get through a level or you don't, shouldn't be style points or whatever the fuck criteria you were being graded on. Got enough of that shit in school, am I right?

Rating:



Bomber Raid

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Pretty run-of-the-mill shooter if you ask me (I know you didn't). That makes it worthy of no more than a 6. Take that, Bomber Raid!

Rating:



Scramble Spirits

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Mr Man is right, that "airplane" on the title screen sure as shit looks like a winged penis to me, complete with glans and propeller equipped balls.

Rating:



Maze Hunter 3-D

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: I've always had an aversion towards the 3D titles. Part of it is because they almost all seem to suck, but another part of it is that my parents didn't buy me the glasses and I'm pissed that I feel left out. A cognitive dissonance of sorts.

Rating: n/a



Penguin Land

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Blue penguins from outer space...brilliant.

Rating:



Action Pack

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Is anything sadder than reading posts people have written TO Alex Kidd (or Sonic or whatever)? At least the people writing messages to Jacko on the Moonwalker page were dealing with a real person. Yikes.

Rating: n/a



Ast. Secret Mission

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Where these Asterix games even released in the United States? I think not; are they worth the effort to play via an emulator?

Rating: n/a



American Baseball

2011-04-27
From: Paul
Comments: Is this Reggie Jackson Baseball without the Reggie Jackson?

Rating: n/a



E-Swat

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Great, a bastardized version of Robocop. Even when I was a dumbass kid I knew this game was crap.

Rating:



Dynamite Dux

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: It's about time ducks rose up against humanity and tried to kill us. A little known fact is that this game is based (loosely) on Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. It is a little known fact because it is not really a fact at all, it's utter bullshit.

Rating: n/a



Dynamite Duke

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Word has it that this is, indeed, the forerunner of the Duke Nukem franchise. I, for one, think that is complete bullshit because this moldering turd could never sire anything as good as Duke Nukem 3D. Never.

Rating:



Choplifter

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Cave is one word. Well done.

Rating: n/a



Alex Kidd in High Tech World

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: What's so high-tech about it? He's in an old Japanese-style house with suit of samurai armor laying about and crap like that. For it to be worthy of the name "High-Tech World" there ought to be robots and laser guns and spaceships and hookers that charge you for their services by swiping your credit card between their labia. That's high-tech, though to be fair, a lot of that shit might be in the game, I thought it sucked so bad I stopped playing after twenty minutes or so.

Rating:



Robocop 3

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Wasn't the movie so shitty that Peter Weller didn't even want to reprise his starring role in it? I mean, it's not like Peter Weller has a lot of scripts throw his way to choose from.

Rating: n/a



Sega Chess

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Chess software is as lame as Bobby Fischer was bat shit crazy.

Rating:



Master Chess

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: At least with an actual chess set you can have some limited contact with another human being. Perhaps, though, chess software still provides chess playing douchebags with the same sort of unwarranted self-satisfaction that playing real chess does.

Rating:



F-16 Fighting Falcon

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: A basic flight simulator type game is a good idea, even for something as limited as the SMS was, but to attempt such a game on a card was foolish.

Rating:



Fire and Ice

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Funny, Fire and Ice was the nickname for a dance duo that a friend and I had in school. I was "ice" because I was so cool, he was "fire" because he had been caught in a house fire when he was little and was burned over 70% of his body. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Rating: n/a



Blade Eagle 3-D

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: I haven't played it, but as someone else once mentioned on this site, Sega got into the habit of having box art cooler than the games it represented. I have little doubt that that was the case with this shitloaf.

Rating:



Bram Stokers Dracula

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Anyone else tried of all the lame-ass vampire shit that is inundating popular culture in recent years? The only thing sadder than people paying good money for Twilight shit and the like are the real people who think they actually are vampires. Losers, just draw yourself a bath and slit your wrists already...it's just a matter of time, anyway. However, the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula at least had some boobies on display, though even that was tempered by having to watch Keanu Reeves "act".

Rating:



Bram Stokers Dracula

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Shit, that should be "tired" not "tried"; kind of important distinction. Anyhoo, I still stand behind the rest of the anti-Vampire Diaries, anti-Twilight position of the original post. Dakota Fanning, I must say thought, is turning into quite the sweet piece of ass. Yup, say what you will about Hollywood, there will never be an absence of hot tail in any mainstream movie.

Rating: n/a



California Games 2

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: What exactly separates or distinguishes this from the original California Games? Does anyone know? Is anyone else here to read this? Is this site kept alive for the sake of some long-term sociological experiment regarding the degeneration of public discourse?

Rating: n/a



Choplifter

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: It always bothered me that the helicopter you actually pilot during the game is some Huey variant while Sega, for some reason, decided to put what appears to be a Sea Cobra as the box art. Do they think we won't notice? Poor quality control? Fuck.

Rating:



Super Cross

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: I believe this was Sega's first and only foray into the Christian-themed video game market. If I remember correctly, this was basically Shinobi but with different backgrounds and with Jesus throwing tiny crosses of salvation instead of a ninja throwing equally tiny shurikens of death. Jesus saves, but he couldn't save this.

Rating:



Super Kick Off

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Props to Michael for calling another person a "reprobate", but no props to this piece of shit for depicting, however faithfully, the inexplicably popular "sport" of soccer.

Rating:



Ren & Stimpy- Yak

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Ren and Stimpy, huh. Haven't played the game, if it actually existed, never really understood the popularity of the cartoon. Dumb jokes, shit-poor animation, what a combo!

Rating: n/a



Heroes of the Lance

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Not worth the money...so true. I feel for our parents that had to spend their hard-earned money on such crap just to make us happy and now that the money to be spent on games is mine, I've found that next to none of them are ever really worth the money.

Rating: n/a



Arcus Odyssey

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Such an intriguing title. I know what an odyssey is, but what the fuck is an "arcus"? Pretty clever marketing, I must say, because damned if I don't want to play it now.

Rating: n/a



Altered Beast

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: So Zeus can't save his own daughter, but I'm supposed to? That makes a lot of fucking sense.

Rating:



Vampire

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Damn vampires again. I hate vampires. Fuck vampires.

Rating:



Itchy and Scratchy

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Come on, Wiz, the game is "cool" and yet you only give it a five? Something is amiss about that. Anyway, I guess this is some game based on the Simpsons' cartoon within a cartoon Itchy and Scratchy. Hard to believe that more or less satirical take on cartoon violence could inspire a very good video game.

Rating:



Robocop

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: I saw this movie when I was way too young to have seen it. Made me kind of nauseous, in fact. Beyond that, it's just cynical as hell and, well, shitty.

Rating:



Alex Kidd in Shinobi World

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: I'm a bit taken aback with the mainly positive reviews of this game. If you want to play Alex Kidd, play Alex Kidd. If you want to play Shinobi, play Shinobi. Don't waste your time with this bastardization of both. They didn't make Alex Kidd better, they made Shinobi worse.

Rating:



Space Harrier 3-D

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Most of the 3D games were just gimmicky bullshit, but it sounds like this one might be okay. On the other hand, I think I'll just stick with the original Space Harrier.

Rating: n/a



Speedball 2

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: What about the original Speedball made someone think that a sequel would be a good idea? Fucking shit.

Rating: n/a



After Burner

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: Yeah, I had that thing, too. It did help on this game a bit, but the sucker wasn't the most ergonomic joystick ever created.

Rating: n/a



Super Real Basktball

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: This is much better than Super Fake Basketball, I must say.

Rating:



The Ottifants

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: A game more gaytastic than Zool? No, but it's close.

Rating:



Cool Spot

2011-04-26
From: Paul
Comments: 7-UP being the un-cola, this piece-of-shit is the un-game. Fuck it.

Rating:



Masters of Combat

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Masters of Combat? I guess it's safe to assume that it's not about the Dutch, then.

Rating: n/a



My Hero

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: My hero will be any person that destroys every copy of this shit game.

Rating:



Montezumas Revenge

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Sad news to report, Panama Joe died of AIDS recently in a Panama City hospice. At his side till the end was his pet monkey Bobo which, incidentally, is also a patient at the hospice.

Rating: n/a



Ninja Gaiden

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Get this Nintendo shit outta here! Fuck Ninja Gaiden and fuck anyone who likes this pantload!

Rating:



Pengo

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Alas, Pengo, we hardly knew ye...

Rating: n/a



Out Run

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: It's really hard for me to think of a more overrated game than Out Run. Not just the 8-bit SMS version, either, I mean the arcade, too. Just doesn't live up to it's reputation.

Rating:



Operation Wolf

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: I assume that this is a Light Phaser game. The only such games that I had were Safari Hunt and the equally mediocre Rambo III. The only real fun you could have with the Light Phaser was to drive around town with your friends and point it at people and scream "die, muther-fucker, die" at the top of your lungs. Don't point it at cops, though, they no likee.

Rating:



World Soccer

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: The only sports video games that are actually more entertaining than the sport they depict are soccer games. Wonder why? Wonder no more: more scoring, no diving, no fake injuries or malingering over real (albeit minor) injuries, no hooliganism or riots or drunk idiot setting off road flares in the stands, no racist chants or signs....The list could go on and on.

Rating:



Xenon 2

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Without a Xenon I, how the hell will I know what the fuck is going on?

Rating:



Zillion 2: Tri Formation

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: I wonder, as a person who didn't particularly care for the first Zillion, would I perhaps enjoy this installment more than most?

Rating: n/a



Cyborg Hunter

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Pretty damn good game, actually. My dad bought it for me on a business trip many years ago and whenever I think about the game now it kind of makes me sad because I wasn't as appreciative as I should have been at the time. Kids never are, I guess, but still.

Rating:



Jungle Book

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Rudyard Kipling was an ass.

Rating: n/a



Kenseiden

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Never had this game when I was a kid; played it several year ago via an emulator and didn't really have the patience to play it very much. In other words, I didn't like it, but I bet I would have when I was younger.

Rating:



Shinobi

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Ninja Gaiden superior? Why don't you go strap a dildo to your NES so you can suck it's dick. I know, I know, they made a Ninja Gaiden for the SMS, too. Shut up with that shit because any true Sega fan wouldn't have bought that fucking garbage to begin with.

Rating:



Sensible Soccer

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: The only sensible soccer is no soccer.

Rating: n/a



SpellCaster

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Another game that I probably would've liked when I was a kid but didn't play until I was an adult. Thus a rating of 5 is all I can muster.

Rating: n/a



SpellCaster

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Guess I couldn't muster even that. Let's try again...

Rating:



Star Wars

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: The most overrated movie franchise in history in mediocre game form. Sign me up...

Rating:



Spy vs. Spy

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Never much of a MAD Magazine fan, anyway, but was Spy vs. Spy actually supposed to be funny or something? It's dumb as shit, so I know it's not over my head...Just don't get it.

Rating: n/a



Submarine 3D

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Perhaps, ANinja, but I wonder if this could, in fact, be Poseidon Wars 3D for markets other than North America. If so, that was a pretty decent little game.

Rating:



Submarine 3D

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Disregard my early comments. My brain, ravaged as it is by syphilis, has reminded me that in Poseidon Wars you are not commanding a submarine but rather a surface combatant such as a cruiser or destroyer (the lines between the two were blurred considerably during the Cold War). In fact, I believe the instruction manual showed your vessel to be something very similar to a Ticonderoga-class guided missile cruiser. My apologies if I mislead any of you.

Rating: n/a



After Burner

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Not a good translation? Perhaps not, but the arcade game itself was all style and no substance to begin with.

Rating:



Hang On & Safari Hunt

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Roughly 98% of men who hunt for sport have tiny penises. Conversely, as much as 75% of women who hunt for sport have larger than average clitorises, though obviously even a large clitoris is considerably smaller than the average penis. To find out more about the fascinating research into the relationship between hunting and anatomical abnormalities consult the New England Journal of Medicine, the Journal of the American Medical Association, and/or the Lancet.

Rating:



Light Force

2011-04-25
From: Paul
Comments: Light Force. Sounds like some pseudo-spiritual bullshit that George Lucas would pull out of his ass. Of course, if he didn't make up stupid shit, all that would be left would be the shit he outright stole from people who could manage an original thought...Kurosawa, Frank Herbert, you name it.

Rating:



Dino Basher

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: Dino Basher? Haven't the dinosaurs been though enough? What of Chicxulub? What?

Rating: n/a



Cosmic Spacehead

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: The name would suggest a game aimed at the neglected market segment of stoners and burnouts. Seeing that it was probably never released, the publisher must have done some diligent market research and found out that the limited disposable income of such losers is almost entirely earmarked for more drugs.

Rating: n/a



Shadow Dancer

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: Ah, Shadow Dancer...Shinobi, but with a gay-ass name.

Rating: n/a



Shadow Dancer

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: My use of the term "gay-ass" was in no way meant to impugn members of the gay community. Rather, it was part of my ongoing attempts to change the meaning of the word "gay" from one describing homosexuals to one describing remarkable lameness. I am sorry if any offense was given.

Rating: n/a



Die Hard 2

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: Bruce Willis is kind of a dink.

Rating: n/a



Renegade

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: Where the fuck was Lorenzo Lamas and the Indian dude? By the way, Indian is NOT an offensive term for so-called Native Americans. The only people that are offended by the term are self-important, self-satisfied whites.

Rating: n/a



Doraemon

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: Sadly, Doraemon is the product of a Pokemon (Pikachu, I think) raping Dora the Explorer. Being Catholic, Dora chose to carry Doraemon to term rather than get an abortion.

Rating: n/a



Pacmania

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: What's that ghost saying in the top screen shot? Some manner of expletive, that's for sure. Perhaps something anti-semitics, Mel Gibson style. Probably calls Ms. Pacman "sugartits". Fucking ghost.

Rating:



Assault City

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: Excuse me, Peter, but no. The title is not "Sexual Assault City", so it is not Detroit. Not cool.

Rating:



Arch Rivals

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: Haven't played the 8-bit version, but I used to love it in the arcades. There's just something about giving the Kermit Washington treatment to punkass bitches that makes basketball better than the wussy sport is has become. This game is not for the likes of Rudy Tomjanovich, too traumatic.

Rating: n/a



Astro Warrior & Pit-Pot

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: What's better than one bad game? Two bad games in the same cartridge! Wait, no it isn't. Remember kids, two wrongs don't make a right.

Rating: n/a



Ayrton Senna GP

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: Poor Ayrton Senna, I remember hearing of his death all those many years ago. Very sad, very upsetting. That was before I had realized how fucking boring Formula 1 racing is. He was a great champion, though.

Rating: n/a



Monster Maker

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: This was a controversial game with an anti-miscegenation message that led to such a public outcry that the game was never released. For shame, Sega, for shame.

Rating:



Monic Castle Dragao

2011-04-24
From: Paul
Comments: Ah, yes, the myth of European racial tolerance. It's easy to seem tolerant when everyone is lily white. Such bullshit is belied by the increase in white supremacist groups throughout Europe in recent decades and even finds popular expression in racist soccer chants from Spain to Russia and many place in between. Suck it.

Rating: n/a



Godfather

2011-04-23
From: Paul
Comments: It isn't necessarily racist to hate Italians, but that doesn't make it right.

Rating: n/a



Hang-On & Astro Warrior

2011-04-23
From: Paul
Comments: It's two, two, two mediocre games in one!

Rating: n/a



Impossible Mission

2011-04-23
From: Paul
Comments: So, basically it's Zillion but not set in the future? At least that's what I've gathered from the screen shot. Fuck that.

Rating:



Captain Planet

2011-04-21
From: Paul
Comments: Never played the game, but that was the fucking shittiest cartoon in the history of shitty cartoons. I dislike pollution as much as the next dude, but the villains in Captain Planet were basically polluting for the sake of polluting. Stupid. Anyway, I gotta go pull it to some porn.

Rating: n/a



Cheese Cat-Astrophe

2011-04-21
From: Paul
Comments: I remember the shit geyser that Peter was alluding to below. Nasty fucking shit, both literally and figuratively. Now, I like porn, a lot of different porn, but that was just sick. What a waste of a Japanese chick's nether-places.

Rating: n/a



Ghostbusters 2

2011-04-21
From: Paul
Comments: Again, don't know about the game, but the movie was a steaming dog turd. Some long-dead Eurotrash pillowbiter comes back from the dead and we're supposed to be scared of him. What's he going to do? Take us all to IKEA and not help us assemble the furniture afterwards? Fuck him!

Rating:



Strider

2011-04-21
From: Paul
Comments: Strider was always a bunch of pinko-commie bullshit. Fuck Russia! We should take all of their women, fuck the shit out of them (literally, fuck them until they shit themselves). Russian men are fit only for forced labor, the most obstinate shall be forced to watch us fuck their women over and over again.

Rating: n/a



Dragon Crystal

2011-04-21
From: Paul
Comments: Dragon Crystals, Dragon Balls, what's the deal with all the dragon testicle references that children are subjected to nowadays?

Rating:



Wolfchild

2011-04-21
From: Paul
Comments: Hmm...I like wolves, but I hate children. I'll rate it a 5.

Rating:



James Bond 007 Duel

2011-04-21
From: Paul
Comments: James Bond is just hokey, anglophilic crap that tries to pass off clumsy sexual innuendo as charm. If you like bad puns and far-fetched fantasies about Britain remaining geopolitically relevant in the postwar world, I guess you might like the franchise.

Rating: n/a



Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego

2011-04-21
From: Paul
Comments: Where in time is Carmen Sandiego? I've got an even better question: who gives a fuck?

Rating: n/a



American Pro Football

2011-04-21
From: Paul
Comments: I think this is Walter Payton Football for markets where people might not know who Walter Payton was. Shame on them.

Rating: n/a



Space Harrier

2011-04-15
From: Paul
Comments: The first time I played Space Harrier I ended up shitting my pants. Luckily, though, it was the arcade version and I only stunk up a pizza parlor.

Rating:



Champions of Europe

2011-04-15
From: Paul
Comments: Champions of Europe? Isn't that kinda like being the fastest tortoise? Fuck Europe.

Rating: n/a



Ultimate Soccer

2011-04-15
From: Paul
Comments: Ultimate Boredom, more like it. The only people who enjoy soccer are people who don't know any better. I pity them.

Rating: n/a



Trivial Pursuit

2011-04-15
From: Paul
Comments: Played this via an emulator a few years ago. It short it's a bit too British. Nothing wrong with Britain, per se, but there are an awful lot of questions that begin with, "What English county..." or some such shit.

Rating: n/a



Ms Pacman

2007-07-31
From: Paul
Comments: I fapped to that little lipstick-wearing skank, oh yes

Rating: n/a



Alex Kidd in Miracle World

2007-04-14
From: Paul
Comments:

Rating:



Alex Kidd in Miracle World

2005-08-23
From: Paul
Comments: Used to LOVE this game as a kid. Does anybody have an emulator and rom do i can play on my PC..PPPLLLLLEEEEAAAAASSSEEEE

Rating:



R-Type

2005-06-08
From: paul
Comments: this was the best game going, the best version of r-type ever!!!!!!!!

Rating:



Taz Mania

2004-03-01
From: paul
Comments: lee are you there i got ma mp3 on

Rating:



Alex Kidd in Shinobi World

2004-02-14
From: Paul
Comments:

Rating:



Taz Mania

2003-10-13
From: paul
Comments: hi im paul im gay!! i love harry he wanks me of

Rating:



Mortal Kombat

2003-04-13
From: paul
Comments: hi people is there anyone out there who has a copy of MK i or MK2 that i could buy i love the game

Rating:



Wonder Boy in Monster Land

2003-03-23
From: paul
Comments: greatest sega game ever. if anyone knows if there is an emulator and free dowload of game available contact nomoz@email.com

Rating:



Wonder Boy

2002-11-05
From: Paul
Comments: This version was actually better then it's arcade counterpart. Control Tom through different worlds by thowing hatchets at the foe that's trying to stop you rescuing your girlfriend. I always loved how the instruction book told you the level select cheat.

Rating:



Alex Kidd in Miracle World

2001-11-09
From: Paul
Comments: any aussie SMS fans around? e-mail me !

Rating:



Xenon 2

2001-04-18
From: Paul
Comments: The codes are 27038-50 for the Virgin published game, and 27012-50 for the Bitmap bros. version. You'll have to put up with the framerate, by upping the master system to 60hz, the graphics garble and it is impossible to play. This happens on both versions.

Rating:



Out Run 3D

2001-03-09
From: Paul
Comments: Excellent-if you can get a copy. I especially love the clouds on the map screen, they really look as if they are in front of the screen. Goes for around $50+ on ebay, but got mine for $15 in mint condition :) A great, but hard to find game.

Rating:



Aztec Adventure

2001-03-02
From: Paul
Comments: great game, but can get addictive.

Rating:



Spy vs. Spy

2001-03-02
From: Paul
Comments: very original but best on 2 player mode.

Rating: