2011-09-23
From: Brad
Comments: The game is alright, but the real "fantastic dizzy" is a glue-huffing fueled circle jerk in your best friend's basement while his mom watches cheering and clapping.
Rating:
Great Volleyball
2012-08-24
From: Brad
Comments: Under most circumstances I would be all for a panties-only dress code for (hot) women; my comments were specifically concerned with the rigors (such as they are) of playing beach volleyball and that some sort of breast protection, however offensive to my own sensibilities covered boobs are, is necessary.
Rating: n/a
Mercs
2012-08-12
From: Brad
Comments: Seems that you're no stranger to it, either.
Rating: n/a
Great Volleyball
2012-08-04
From: Brad
Comments: Hang on there, guys. I, too, would love to see naked women flouncing about after volleyballs, but those outfits of their have an actual, legitimate purpose beyond a modicum of modesty. The bikini bottom is explicitly designed to keep sand out of their virginies. You need not be a woman, I would hope, to understand how uncomfortable a sandy pussy would be. As for the tops they wear, the sand would also badly abrade their nips and areolae. So slow your perv rolls a bit and understand that things are often the way they are for a reason.
Rating: n/a
Predator 2
2012-08-03
From: Brad
Comments: Kluxy gets a little frustrated because a) he is a racist shithead, and b) his mom averages more black dick per year than the average NBA locker room.
Rating: n/a
Castle of Illusion
2012-07-30
From: Brad
Comments: Yeah, we know.
Rating: n/a
Black Belt
2012-02-12
From: Brad
Comments: I don't want to infringe on BluBlaDe's prerogatives here, but Ron, you are one manly son-of-a-bitch!
Rating: n/a
Die Hard 2
2012-01-19
From: Brad
Comments: Nah, you're alright, dude. I think I was a little too harsh on you.
Rating: n/a
Robin Hood
2012-01-18
From: Brad
Comments: Just go ahead and buy a sex doll and fuck it like crazy everyday, making sure that your parents are within earshot. That way, maybe they'll move out. Then again, probably not, but you'll be fucking something either way.
Rating: n/a
Die Hard 2
2011-11-29
From: Brad
Comments: Marriage material? Uh, she is married, dude. No one saying she's beautiful, but she'd be worth a nut or two. By the way, you're the one that writes "manly" every other word. Seems to me that, between that and Sam's homo-ness, you might be trying a little too hard to stay in the closet. Don't live a lie, be true to yourself.
Rating: n/a
Bubble Bobble
2011-09-23
From: Brad
Comments: Apropos of nothing, I was playing Dig Dug in a pizzeria the day I was molested. She bought me a pitcher of Pepsi afterwards and said that if I told anybody we would both get in trouble.
Rating: n/a
Fantastic Dizzy
2011-09-23
From: Brad
Comments: The game is alright, but the real "fantastic dizzy" is a glue-huffing fueled circle jerk in your best friend's basement while his mom watches cheering and clapping.
Rating:
Ghost House
2011-09-23
From: Brad
Comments: Paul, it was your mom. She was utterly disgusted by the sight that confronted her, she mockingly said "oh, yeah", and then she decided to try (probably in vain) never to think of the episode again. It's probably happened to most guys growing up, but don't invent some bullshit about a ghost just so you can avoid thinking about how your mommy watched you pull it.
Rating: n/a
4 Pak All Action
2011-08-26
From: Brad
Comments: I'm tired of fake Peters, but my wife isn't! Am I right, folks? She calls the big, black one "Mandingo".
Rating:
Super Space Invader
2011-08-15
From: Brad
Comments: Back off, Peter. It was a long time ago and it was a mistake, I know that. To be honest, it was totally impulsive; I thought nothing of results or consequences. I saw my sister on the couch and I wanted to put my dick in her. I just wanted to know what being inside a woman felt like and there was my first opportunity to find out. I regret it now, I do.
Rating: n/a
Super Space Invader
2011-08-14
From: Brad
Comments: That's pretty much the whole story, man. At least the good part. I had to see a therapist for years after that. Worked through some serious shit, actually, so it kind of worked out in the end. Oddly enough, my sister never really seemed to give it much thought; she was old enough at the time to know that men are all creeps, so it never affected our relationship that much.
Rating: n/a
Robocop Vs. Terminator
2011-08-05
From: Brad
Comments: If there really was a fight between Robocop and the Terminator, I'd bet that the Terminator would win. All he would have to do is taunt Robocop about missing his family or his wife riding some other dude and he'd start crying like the cybernetically enhanced bitch that he is.
Rating: n/a
Alex Kidd in Miracle World
2011-07-30
From: Brad
Comments: Can I have some, too? I'll give you some of my "milk" if you'll give me some of yours. Incidentally, I'm sorry to read that it is your son that is, as you say, destroying the site. I always figured it was some dickless little bitch that couldn't measure up to Peter and so lashed out in as childish a manner as possible. Live and learn, I guess.
Rating: n/a
Mercs
2011-07-14
From: Brad
Comments: Hey, fake Peter, write something clever...once, just once.
Rating: n/a
Back to the Future 2
2011-07-14
From: Brad
Comments: We'd all try at some age, d-bag, that's why it is up to our moms to discourage such behavior. I know it goes without saying, but feel free to go and fuck yourself, you dickless little bitch.
Rating: n/a
Putt Putter Golf
2011-07-10
From: Brad
Comments: Does the notion of making a video game about miniature golf strike anyone else as odd? It's this kind of shit that forced my uncle's miniature golf course, Putt-gusta National, to close down. Well, that and he was getting the holy fuck sued out of him by the actual Augusta National country club. Bastards hounded him until he shot himself. He didn't die, but he isn't right in the head.
Rating: n/a
Teddy Boy
2011-07-08
From: Brad
Comments: I should probably also mention that I wouldn't fuck Michelle Bachmann with your dick.
Rating: n/a
Operation Wolf
2011-07-08
From: Brad
Comments: Would you really want to take on all those bad guys with just an Uzi? For that matter, has any sort of aircraft even been shot down by some douche with any sort of 9mm?
Rating: n/a
Pro Wrestling
2011-07-08
From: Brad
Comments: Pro wrestling is just something that people should grow out of by their teens at the latest, kind of like soccer.
Rating: n/a
Godfather
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: I know that Godfather III was almost universally panned, but I didn't really care all that much for II, either. What do I care about Cuba? Not much is the answer, not much.
Rating: n/a
Total Recall
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: You know, if I ever have the good fortune to meet Sharon Stone, I'll make a point of mentioning how I saw her pussy in Basic Instinct and I'll thank her for the opportunity to do so. It looked really nice, Sharon, from what I could see of it. Wish I could smell it though....She'd probably let me.
Rating: n/a
Alex Kidd in Miracle World
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: What language is that, Turkish? Just own up to the Armenian genocide already so me and my girl Araksya can get married. All I ever hear is "genocide this" and "genocide that" and how Turks are cowards and murderers (and murdering cowards). I don't agree with all of that, but she's so busy being pissed at Turkey that she doesn't throw any of her sweet, hairy Armenian pussy my way. Not even head.
Rating: n/a
Alex Kidd in High Tech World
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: Yeah, about as fantastico as the Italian justice system! FREE FOXY KNOXY!
Rating: n/a
Secret Commando
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: I used to play "secret commando", but it wasn't this shit. I'd go to a park or playground or sometimes a shopping mall wearing a long coat over a shirt and these old jeans that I cut the crotch out of (hence secret commando). Anyway, I'd just walk around acting all casual like, watching the girls (none under twelve or so, I'm not sick) and getting pretty worked up under the coat. When I saw a small group of cute girls gathered together for some reason, I'd go over and make smalltalk or ask for directions, shit like that. As these outwardly innocent conversions would be going on I would get more and more aroused until my boner would be really struggling and pushing against the coat. At this point I'd face the girls as best I could and rip the coat open exposing them all to my swollen member. I'd stroke it a little and whip it up and down as I'd say "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! You like it don't you?" Invariably, though, they didn't. They'd scream and I'd run like hell. Silly, I know.
Rating: n/a
Shinobi
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: Shinobi is poo? Go fuck yourself, dipshit.
Rating: n/a
Dick Tracy
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: Yeah, but you leave it to your boyfriend to make sausage appear in your ass on a nightly basis.
Rating: n/a
Great Volleyball
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: I've watched that shit from time to time myself. Kind of partial to one April Ross myself. Not sure why really. She's cute, that's for sure. Titless as all fuck, but cute. I'm all about the pussy anyway.
Rating: n/a
Super Space Invader
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: One time I tried to be a super space invader after my sister passed out face down on the couch wearing nothing but a t-shirt and panties. I got her panties down far enough, but she woke up when I accidentally pushed my dick against her anus. I was going for pussy but the angles were all wrong.
Rating: n/a
Psycho Fox
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: Contrary to current media portrayals, prostitutes will usually let you kiss them. Sometimes, though, you do have to pay extra which, if you think about it, isn't really worth it. Just stick to the basics.
Rating: n/a
Time Soldiers
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: I bet cavemen (and women) really looked like shit. Wearing animal skins is one thing, but just imagine if you had to cut your hair and fingernails with fucking rocks. No thank you.
Rating: n/a
Tin Tin on the Moon
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: Neil Armstrong, now that's a fucking hero! Not just an American hero, but a hero for the entire world to live up to. Probably wasn't really him that wrote that message, though.
Rating: n/a
Altered Beast
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: This was a dumb ass game, but everyone I knew (myself included) just loved the arcade version. Hell, the Genesis version, too, for that matter. Sega just couldn't help but shit gold back then.
Rating: n/a
Die Hard 2
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: What was that movie where Bruce Willis played a cop in Pittsburgh that got demoted to river patrol for some shit? I'm asking because Sarah Jessica Parker was in it, might have been one of her earliest roles, and she looked pretty damn good. Don't give me any of that horseface or butterface bullshit, either regarding Miss Parker, because you know damn well that you'd like to hit it. Is she the most beautiful woman in the world? No. I'd be perfectly willing to give her a thorough cocking, though, that's for sure.
Rating: n/a
Rampage
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: Godzilla and King Kong I get, but since when is there a fucking giant wolfman terrorizing some Rust Belt shithole?
Rating: n/a
Slap Attack
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: Ever notice in most American bukkake-style porno that there is always one dude that isn't satisfied with just being able to cum on some hot little porn starlet's face and has to give her a dickslap on the forehead for good measure? What a total bitch move, that. I guess that they figure that getting paid for allowing a dozen or so strangers ejaculate on you is degrading enough for the girl. More likely, though, they're just assholes doing the kind of shit that assholes do.
Rating: n/a
Slap Attack
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: Shit, that should have read "isn't degrading enough". While I'm here, I should state for the record that I in no way look down upon porn skanks for doing what they're doing. Men are all whores when it comes down to it, so I can't rightfully criticize women for having sex as much as they want or for any reason they want. Keep up the good work, girls.
Rating: n/a
Basketball Nitemare
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: I'm with you, Ryan. What's the old saying about grass on the field? Anyway, today's fifteen or sixteen year old is a far cry from back in my day. Not saying that it's a good thing, but teenage girls are far more sexualized than they used to be. I blame Britney Spears.
Rating: n/a
Drop Zone
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: It is amazing how many "adult" titles were made for the old Atari 2600, especially given the limitations (graphics and sound wise) of the system. Were people really that horny? The games weren't cheap, either, so why wouldn't you just go buy a bunch of porno mags instead of trying to get Custer to rape some pixelated Indian chick on your Atari?
Rating: n/a
Heroes of the Lance
2011-07-07
From: Brad
Comments: Saw a porno one time with this exact title, no shit. It was one of those extra shitty pornos where the protagonist (the main fucker) is supposed to have this unusually large crank but he's really (and obviously) just wearing a ridiculously large strap-on. Gee, why does that dude not take his speedo off? Oh, I don't know, maybe because his dick would come off with 'em. Do people really buy that shit? Seems to be making a comeback of sorts, too, in recent years, especially with regard to improbably large penises blasting out improbably large loads onto the improbably delighted faces of young women. And yes, I do know a lot about porn. When you're a youth pastor, you pretty much have to nowadays.
Rating: n/a
Monic Castle Dragao
2011-05-11
From: Brad
Comments: Gee, Swift, what happened right before you Euros left behind racism forever? Was it, I don't know, THE HOLOCAUST? But that's the past, right? Why are Roma still treated like dogshit everywhere they live? Yeah, nothing unsettling happened during the breakup of Yugoslavia, either. No, you Euros have put all that shit behind you. Kudos.
Rating:
Missile Defense 3-D
2011-05-11
From: Brad
Comments: Terrifying harbinger of things to come, or shitty game that relies on the novelty of 3D? You decide.
Rating:
Mercs
2011-05-11
From: Brad
Comments: Not a fan of the genre to begin with, and this is not really one of the stronger examples of "run and gun". As mentioned, though, it is undoubtedly homoerotic, though on an 8-bit system the muscle-bound, shirtless protagonists would likely appear as much maple tree as Mapplethorpe.
Rating:
Olympic Gold
2011-05-11
From: Brad
Comments: The phrase "olympic gold" reminds me of my beloved Nastia Liukin, accomplished gymnast and luscious piece of ass. I now feel compelled to touch myself.
Rating: n/a
Cheese Cat-Astrophe
2011-05-10
From: Brad
Comments: When was this game made? I thought Speedy Gonzalez had long fallen out of favor by the time the Master System rolled around. While he was no Frito Bandito, Speedy wasn't an accurate representation of the realities of peasant life in Mexico. Of course, it was just a stupid cartoon.
Rating: n/a
Terminator
2011-05-10
From: Brad
Comments: Sad to report that I am the reason that Arnold and Maria Schriver's marriage has failed. Arnold came back to the governor's mansion earlier than expected and caught me dick-slapping his wife to the tune of Jethro Tull's "Cross-eyed Mary". If it is any consolation to him, I cut my dick on her cheekbones.
Rating: n/a
T2: Judgement Day
2011-05-10
From: Brad
Comments: Haven't played the game; the movie was most notable for being the one where you don't get to see Linda Hamilton's tits.
Rating: n/a
Ys: The Vanished Omens
2011-05-10
From: Brad
Comments: I bought this thinking it was a cunnilingus simulator of some sort, not realizing that the name is "Ys" not "Y's". You know, as in "eating at the y". Anyway, the game was very disappointing, not least because it is a RPG (they always suck), but mostly because, again, this game has nothing to do with cunnilingus, nothing whatsoever. Shame.
Rating:
Woody Pop
2011-05-10
From: Brad
Comments: Perhaps the game was shelved after someone realized how unintentionally awesome the name "Woody Pop" is for English-speaking children. Perhaps they, too, realized that no game could live up to the promise of a game titled "Woody Pop". Maybe Tipper Gore got wind of it and put her considerable clout behind stopping what she believed, understandably, to be some sort of sex-themed game involving erections.
Rating: n/a
Shadow of the Beast
2011-05-10
From: Brad
Comments: Went to a nude beach one time and you could say that any number of sunbathing beauties fell under the "shadow of the beast" that day as I walked around taking everything in. I was soon asked to leave.
Rating: n/a
Shadow of the Beast 2
2011-05-10
From: Brad
Comments: I believe you're right, Timbo, but I honestly don't know or care one bit about this game. No, that's not true, I do know one thing about it: it and the original were scary games that made little boys like me cry because our Dad's would dress up in Sleestak costumes and make us watch home movies of them fucking our Moms while they jerked off on the couch making hissing noises. Hmm...maybe that was just me.
Rating: n/a
Space Harrier
2011-05-10
From: Brad
Comments: How come the title screen shows Space Harrier and the one-eyed mammoth and robot dude getting along so well when, in the actual game, he shoots those fuckers on sight? Weird. Great game, though.
Rating:
SpellCaster
2011-05-10
From: Brad
Comments: If I were able to cast spells, I wouldn't waste the ability on helping some old douche in a temple. No, you're on your own, old man. Not sure exactly what I would do, but I bet a lot of bitches would find themselves naked all of the sudden. Yeah, naked and horny. Naked, horny, and full of penis. A lot of penis.
Rating: n/a
Sonic the Hedgehog
2011-05-09
From: Brad
Comments: This is a Genesis game and I refuse to acknowledge the Master System version. I will not do it. Overrated, anyway, and the game spawned any number of terrible cartoon shows. Fuck you, Sonic.
Rating:
Teddy Boy
2011-05-09
From: Brad
Comments: Well, this does seem to be regarded as the best of the Card games, for what that's worth (nothing). Does anyone else use photos of Sarah Palin to catch their ejaculate? Sometimes I add pictures of Bristol into the mix and pretend that they're fighting over who will receive my seed.
Rating:
Teddy Boy
2011-05-09
From: Brad
Comments: I would like to add that I, in no way, endorse Sarah Palin's often bizarre worldview, political beliefs, or any potential candidacy. I was merely acknowledging her undeniable milfiness and that I am often consumed by fantasies wherein Sarah Palin and I engage in rough, angry sex acts that leave us both spent and disgusted with ourselves and one another.
Rating: n/a
PitPot
2011-05-09
From: Brad
Comments: PitPot or ShitShat?
Rating:
Battletoads
2011-05-09
From: Brad
Comments: Beware the Dark Queen and her boner-inducing outfits. What toad could tame her?
Rating: n/a
Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story
2011-05-09
From: Brad
Comments: Good thing Bruce was dead already because this piece of shit would've killed him.
Rating:
Duck Tales
2011-05-08
From: Brad
Comments: Seriously, I distinctly remember Huey, Dewey, and Louie refer to Donald Duck as "uncle" AND I remember them referring to Scrooge McDuck as "uncle" BUT I also remember hearing Donald refer to Scrooge as "uncle"! What the fuck is going on?
Rating:
Sonic Spinball
2011-05-08
From: Brad
Comments: I don't know what the fuck this is, but I never liked Sonic, so fuck it. I do like real hedgehogs, though. Cute little critters. I was going to rate it a 1, but it does have "ball" in the title and that makes me laugh.
Rating:
Space Gun
2011-05-08
From: Brad
Comments: Russians had a space gun for a while. They also had a shit economy and an electronics industry that made Britain's seem competent. Rest in peace, commie fuckers!
Rating: n/a
Enduro Racer
2011-05-08
From: Brad
Comments: I heard a kid at my school talking about this game and how cool it was, so I went home and asked my parents if I could have it for a present. Unfortunately, I thought the kid at school said "Enduro Raper". My parents, my mother especially, were mortified that such a game would exist and that their son would want it. My dad punched a hole in the wall, kicked over our TV, and stormed out, leaving my mom to punish me for my insolence. She stripped me from the waist down and spanked me as I stood. For whatever reason, I soon managed an erection and, needless to say, this did nothing to temper my mother's rage at my insensitivity towards the victims of sexual violence that she believed lay at the heart of my gift request. Angry and embarrassed by my turgid member waving defiantly in the air, she pulled me roughly down onto her lap to continue administering my punishment. This had the unintended consequence of placing my penis directly between my mother's thighs and as she continued to strike my backside, my manhood would be forced to slide up and down against the soft denim of her Lee jeans until, another minute into my punishment, I climaxed with a grunt, covering the inside of her pant legs with semen. Not realizing this, she continued for a few moments more before letting me up and telling me to go to my room. It was then she noticed what I had done between her warm thighs. Horrified, she choked back vomit and the beginnings of tears as she took a swipe at me as I tried to run, not remembering that my pants were around my ankles at the time. I quickly fell and made the mistake of rolling over onto my back. My mother then grabbed a hold of both my penis and my scrotum with one hand, yanking roughly and screaming that I was a pervert and that she didn't know where she went wrong with me. My dad never did come back. My mom never talked about what happened that day ever again. I never got Enduro Racer for a gift, but I played it on an emulator a couple of years ago and it was pretty good.
Rating:
Ultima IV
2011-05-06
From: Brad
Comments: Had Ultima Underworld on my PC back in the day. Sucked it hard. Can't imagine an 8-bit predecessor would be much good, either.
Rating:
The Lion King
2011-05-06
From: Brad
Comments: Didn't like the movie. The Broadway musical was even worse because, like all plays or musicals, it comes across as a long, boring, and extremely low-budget movie. Haven't even played the game. I like lions, though, so if there's a chance that the game depicts lions eating people I'm all for it.
Rating: n/a
Spiderman vs X-Men
2011-05-06
From: Brad
Comments: Don't think this game was ever released...Regardless, shouldn't Spiderman and the X-Men be on the same side, not "versus" one another? I mean, shit, Spidey's a fucking mutant himself. What the fuck is going on here?
Rating: n/a
Action Pack
2011-05-05
From: Brad
Comments: Beware any game with a word like "action" in the actual title. Almost always a case of the maker overselling things.
Rating:
Bart vs the Space Mutants
2011-05-05
From: Brad
Comments: Why do we have to choose? What happens if we don't? I hope you haven't been holding your breath for almost two years in anticipation of an answer. Anyhow, I would say this one is better, though I only have a vague recollection of having played it. Personally, I think all of the games trying to cash in on the Simpsons were pretty uninspired.
Rating:
Bart vs the World
2011-05-05
From: Brad
Comments: No idea which one was first, but all the Simpsons related games I ever played were mediocre at best, so, in the end, it doesn't really matter.
Rating:
Bank Panic
2011-05-05
From: Brad
Comments: Played this game on an emulator; surprisingly good and rather addictive. Not as addictive as the prescription cough syrup that I've been hooked on for years now, but pretty addictive. I've had to do awful things.
Rating:
Batman Returns
2011-05-05
From: Brad
Comments: Batman is always returning...I guess that's the result of people periodically tiring of your lame, costume-wearing ass. Stay away next time, Batman. Especially you, Christian Bale, stay away.
Rating:
Batman Animation
2011-05-05
From: Brad
Comments: The title's kind of intriguing; never played it, though. Is it based on the decent '90s cartoon show instead of the generally disappointing movies of the era?
Rating:
Battle Out Run
2011-05-05
From: Brad
Comments: Seeing as I've always found the original Out Run to be completely overrated, I've got to give the powers-that-be a modicum of credit for trying to punch things up a bit. That being said, this one's a pantload, too.
Rating:
Line of Fire
2011-05-05
From: Brad
Comments: Arcade game was pretty good, but to use the same name for this is insulting. Go ahead and make it, SEGA, but don't piss on us and tell us it's raining.
Rating:
Lemmings
2011-05-05
From: Brad
Comments: So the Lemmings aren't Lemmings, they're weird little Oompa-Loompa-like things? This game must suck even more than I think it would.
Rating:
Lemmings 2
2011-05-05
From: Brad
Comments: What was good enough about the first Lemmings to warrant making a sequel. I guess the obvious answer is always "sales", but it still seems unnecessary. Incidentally, my parents would often refer to me as the unnecessary sequel to my sister.
Rating:
Super Smash TV
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, this one, because it is so utterly shitty that it will make you smash your TV in a superlative manner. You will then awaken from the game-induced daze and find your pants missing and your little sister's Barbies covered with semen. At least, that was my experience.
Rating: n/a
Thunder Blade 2
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Helicopters are indeed still cool, but Thunder Blade never fucking was. Here is the sum total of creative effort that went into Thunder Blade: hey, that Afterburner turned into a big hit for us, let's make an obvious direct sequel to it, but let's also make one with a helicopter [design stolen from shitty Blue Thunder movie] instead of an F-14. Brilliant. Kinda worked in the arcade, but at home on an 8-bit system it sucked donkey balls.
Rating:
Time Soldiers
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Kinda nice killing scores of holier-than-thou cavemen (anachronistically living in the Age of Dinosaurs), but other than that, rather unsatisfying in my opinion. Six monkey faces for you, Time Soldiers.
Rating:
Thunder Blade
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Utter pantload. The only realistic reason why anyone could like the SMS version is that they are somehow channeling their (mostly misplaced) affection for the arcade version of Thunder Blade onto this 8-bit plasticized turd. Probably happened to all of us SMS users at one time or another, but this would be the most egregious example. Thunder Blade also gets high marks in the unfortunately large category of Master System games that have box-art that is more exciting than the actual game itself.
Rating:
Spider Man
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Yeah, the movies do kinda suck, but at least in the first one you got to enjoy Kirsten Dunst's pokies through a wet t-shirt for a minute or so. Game sucked, though. Most all of the comic book translations do, perhaps because comic books themselves are nothing but lame douchebaggery to begin with.
Rating:
Simpsons Vs. Space Mutants
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Sorry, leeroy, that's not in the game. However, there are pictures all over the internet showing of what you speak, some in animated gif form. Lisa fellating Bart wouldn't have made this game better (more controversial, though, to be sure) but it probably would have made it a tad more interesting. Personally, I think Marge would better in such a role as, by virtue of my online research, she would seem to be a much more accomplished fellatrix than young Lisa.
Rating:
Deep Duck Trouble
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: I don't know what the game is or what it is about, but I like ducks quite a bit and the thought of them being in trouble has angered me. I'm going to go punch a wall.
Rating:
Dragon
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Hello, mohamed, I trust that you are rejoicing over the death of Osama bin Laden like much of the rest of the world. After all, did he not kill far more Muslims than Westerners during his career of misappropriating Islam and other evil deeds?
Rating: n/a
Desert Speedtrap
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Odd game centered around the Arizona State Police and their questionable methods of law enforcement/revenue collection. Just obeying the speed limit is not enough to avoid running afoul of the popo in this game, however, because they will pull you over no matter what. To advance very far in the game, you have to sell drugs to make enough money to bribe the police officers so they'll let you on your merry way. Failing that, you will be beaten and you will be sodomized with a nightstick. In later rounds, though, you do have the option of offering up your girlfriend to the police so she can perform sexual favors on them in return for your release. This works, but you will lose charisma points, so keep that in mind as you're playing.
Rating:
Captain Silver
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: I always called the game "Captain Sliver" after the terrible Sharon Stone movie "Sliver"...you know, the one where she doesn't show beaver. They both suck, although only the movie is a tease because the lame-ass box art for Captain Silver should have been enough to deter anyone from buying it. Though, alas, it seems it was not. Sad
Rating:
Mortal Kombat
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: I've always had such antipathy towards intentional misspellings that I never got into the Mortal Kombat games. Seem kind of lame, anyway. It's fighting for pussies that don't have the balls to actual punch some punk-bitch in the face.
Rating:
Mortal Kombat 2
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: A steaming septic stick just like the first one with maybe a pinch more homoeroticism to stir up feeling in all the high-school age closet cases that buy fighter games so they can vicariously touch other dudes because they're too afraid to palm their buddy's sack in the shower after gym class. Grow up, kids.
Rating:
Mortal Kombat 3
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Worst of a bad lot. Nothing else to say really. Porn is cool, though. If I had one piece of advice to give a teenage boy, it would be to learn to appreciate the hotness of older women. It took me too long to realize the hotness that milfs and gilfs have to offer us and I regret that, frankly. Actually, I have two pieces of advice, the other one (one that I was saving for my own son, but it is too important not to share with the wider world) would be to emphasize that fat girls have pussies, too, and they generally feel just as damn good when you're up inside them.
Rating:
Ace of Aces
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Yeah, you seem to be quite the bitch, alright.
Rating: n/a
Back to the Future 2
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Which movie was the one where Michael J. Fox went back to the Old West and which was the one where he tried to fuck his mom or some shit?
Rating: n/a
Back to the Future 3
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Wait, was it his grandma that Marty McFly was going to bone, or was it his mom. Can't remember now. Perhaps I'm misremembering the whole thing.
Rating: n/a
Out Run Europa
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Seems to be just some random, shitty driving/shooting game that they stuck the words "Out" and "Run" on in the hope that gullible kids would want it out of some misplaced loyalty towards the original Out Run.
Rating:
TV Colosso
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: While there is nothing worse than commercial bestiality porn, dare I say that there is little better than amateur bestiality porn. You know those ladies aren't on all fours for Rex because of money; they're actually into that shit.
Rating: n/a
Super Space Invader
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Nice idea to take advantage of all an 8-bit console could deliver back in the day by porting an Atari 2600 game to the SMS. Is it better? Yes, but not enough to really be worthwhile. It's still Space Invaders at it's core.
Rating:
Tom and Jerry
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: I do not like the portrayal of cats in many of our more prominent cartoon shows, Tom of "Tom and Jerry" perhaps being the most flagrant example of the pro-dog bias of the medium.
Rating: n/a
Impossible Mision 2
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: If it doesn't, then it really is impossible, not just shitty like the original.
Rating: n/a
Castle of Illusion
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Actually a pretty good game even though I hate Mickey Mouse for some reason. Always have. Never been able to put my finger on exactly why. I like real mice; they're kinda cute. The world wonders, eh, Bull?
Rating:
Lucky Dime Caper
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Donald Duck never wore pants. Does that bother anyone? You think it would, though male birds don't have any junk to be swinging around down there, anyway. Plus all the feathers. Always liked Donald, very irascible in a rather charming way.
Rating:
Double Dragon 2
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: This game ever actually get released? Guess not given the popularity of the original versus the total absence of reviews for this one. Just as well, probably, because how many times can your girlfriend get kidnapped and you and your brother have to beat down an entire gang of toughs to get her back. In my case, three, but that's the exception.
Rating: n/a
Columns
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: However different people try to make it seem, it always struck me as a Tetris knockoff on some level. Perhaps that is nothing but my own prejudice manifesting itself, but if one is to be prejudiced, that would be a relatively benign prejudice to have, don't you think?
Rating:
Double Dragon
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: I love beating the shit out of the punks in this game, especially those ginger-haired cocksuckers like in the screenshot above. Fuckers.
Rating:
Donald Duck Gift Set
2011-05-04
From: Brad
Comments: Donald Duck always gets high marks in my book. Keep doing what you're doing, Donald. A question though, if I may: if Scrooge McDuck was the uncle of Huey, Dewey, and Louie, how could Donald Duck also be their uncle IF Donald is somehow Scrooge's nephew as in Duck Tales?
Rating:
Pro Wrestling
2011-05-02
From: Brad
Comments: Has it not been scientifically determined that pro wrestling fans are roughly 90% closet homosexuals? Not sure if this is also true of wrestling video game fans, though.
Rating:
Populous
2011-05-02
From: Brad
Comments: Can't help but agree with most of that shit, but what does any of that have to do with Populous? Crap game, by the way, unless you're a egotist.
Rating:
Quarter Back
2011-05-02
From: Brad
Comments: A quarter back is what you get when you pay my mom a dollar for a blowjob. That is what meth does to people and, yes, we have a very strained relationship.
Rating:
Quartet
2011-05-02
From: Brad
Comments: I liked any game that would let you play as a female character. I don't really want to be a woman, but it'd be cool to try things out for a while. You know what I'm saying!
Rating:
RC Grand Prix
2011-05-02
From: Brad
Comments: Okay, I get it, but why not just make a game about off-road racing instead of a game about r/c cars. Hell, for what these games cost back in the day, you probably could have bought a low-end radio controlled car.
Rating:
Fantasy Zone 2
2002-10-28
From: Brad
Comments: I got this game yeeeeears ago and never beat it. I dusted off the Sega recently, and after a few weeks I can finally do it! Wow, though. This is doubtless my favourite Sega game... and the hardest one I own too.
Rating:
Hang On (Card)
2001-08-23
From: brad
Comments: brad
Rating: