30 reviews by ryan..
4 Pak All Action
2012-03-31
From:
Ryan
Comments:
Hookers exist to do the stuff other women won't do for free. As you mentioned, one can generally get sex for free nowadays, but even the most debauched bar skank will act all insulted if you request certain things.
Rating:
n/a
4 Pak All Action
2012-03-21
From:
Ryan
Comments:
Sounds good, but most of my time is spent paying hookers to sniff my balls while I jerk off in their hair. If I can find the time, though, I'll try the game.
Rating:
n/a
Rastan
2011-08-03
From:
Ryan
Comments:
You were right to chastise Rastan, Peter. In this day and age, it is totally unacceptable to use homophobic slurs the way Rastan did, totally unacceptable. It doesn't matter if Paul is gay or straight, Rastan, it only matters whether or not he can competently write game reviews or implausible stories of adolescent sexual encounters. Those are the things that matter here.
Rating:
n/a
Global Gladiators
2011-05-08
From:
Ryan
Comments:
I show my penis to little girls. Most run away, but some stand there a few seconds to get a good look.
Rating:
n/a
Double Hawk
2011-05-07
From:
Ryan
Comments:
Never played it, but Wikipedia has a shot of the box and the cover art is so unabashedly homoerotic that I shall give this game a rating of 8 in recognition of John and Jack (the game's protagonists) giving one another an 8 (if you know what I mean).
Rating:
Paperboy
2011-05-06
From:
Ryan
Comments:
I was an actual paperboy for a while in my early teens. The thing was to scout out your route for any potentially lonely housewives or other women that it might be good to know. When I would go around once a month to collect what people owed for their subscriptions, one older lady (in her '60s) would invite me in and have me show her my penis. Being a teenage boy, I would and she would then masturbate using one of those vibrators that looks like a palm sander from shop class. Because the vibrator was so strong, she kept her panties on the whole time, thus denying me a view of older lady pussy, but otherwise she would be totally naked under her bathrobe and her tits were fantastic: big and hanging nicely, classic mature funbags. Anyway, she'd finish after a couple of minutes (and a couple of orgasms) and then give me a blowjob for my trouble. As young as I was and as hot as the situation was for me, I'd be ready to shoot in no time. She let me cum in her mouth, but she'd always go to the kitchen sink to spit it out. Said she hated the taste of it, but liked the feeling of control it gave her over a man's pleasure. She would always tell me this, about the feeling of power that having a man cum inside of her gave her; I didn't give a rat's ass about the whys and hows of it, just that a woman was blowing me. Never could talk her into letting me fuck her; she thought that that should be between me and a girl my own age. Personally, I kind of liked the idea of fucking a chick that was too old to get pregnant. Still do, in fact. Regardless, the two of us had fun with one another for a good many months, but I eventually got caught masturbating in another customer's bushes as she was changing clothes after work. Today I would have made the news and probably have to register as a sex offender, back then I just lost a shitty job and access to Old Lady Blowjob because my parents made sure to keep me away from anyone along my old paper route.
Rating:
n/a
Sagaia [Darius 2]
2011-05-06
From:
Ryan
Comments:
Never much of a fan of shooters, side-scrollers especially, but this was actually pretty good. What wasn't good was that about the same time as this game came out, my Mom did, too. She left my Dad for a woman named Sandra. They're still together, and I've come to terms with everything that changed, but at the time it was very difficult for everyone. Dad attempted suicide once, but my aunt (his sister) was over to check on us and found him in our Corolla with a hose running from the exhaust through a crack in the front passenger side window. She managed to pull him out and he got the counseling that he needed.
Rating:
California Games
2011-05-02
From:
Ryan
Comments:
Never played the SMS version, but did play the NES version that my friend Chris had. Some of the games (like surfing) were cool, but others were just stupid. Anyway, speaking of Chris and speaking of mothers (see below), he and I had a rather interesting experience back when we were both around fifteen. We were at his house in his room watching some shitty VHS porn tapes (his mom had gone shopping) and aside from the normal arousal produced by porn, we found that our curiosity had been aroused to a high degree regarding what pussy actually smells and tastes like, something that any teenage boy is bound to obsess over at some point during adolescence. Both being virgins, we had had to live with that curiosity for several years, but now, somehow emboldened by the other's shared interest, we came up with a partial solution: his mom's underwear. It was I who originally floated the idea, probably because he tried not to think of his mother's pussy in the same light as that of some random porn skank, but he assented, compelled by some primal male urge to smell poontang, any poontang. As an aside, it would probably be hard for a woman to understand such a compulsion, but it really does exist for guys at that age; you want to know and experience everything about sex but have generally limited opportunities to do so. Therefore, you make the most of the opportunities that do present themselves. In other words, the teenage male does some pretty sick shit. Anyway, with Chris on board, we went to the laundry room to search through the hamper for any panties waiting to be washed. As his mom was the only female in the house, our task was quite easy, and soon we each had a couple of promising pairs of undies to examine. They were all quite clean to the naked eye, with only two bearing even the slightest hint of any staining (and by what we hardly would have known). What the eye could not reveal was left to the nose; we both lifted a pair of panties, crotch first, to our faces (he somewhat reluctantly, as it was his mom, after all) and inhaled deeply, detecting a faint, wonderful, and forever unmistakably musky odor. Pussy. Between that captivating aroma filling my nostrils and the still-fresh images of porno sluts filling my brain, I needed to jerk off. Warning Chris of what I was about to do, I dropped my pants to around my ankles and began giving myself a vigorous penile massage as I continued to enjoy the olfactory impression left by Chris' mom's pussy on that piece of thin white cotton. Chris followed, perhaps again reluctantly, though a glanced revealed to me that any reluctance on his part was not physical in nature. So, there we stood, hamper on the floor in front of us, dirty clothes everywhere, both of us with dick in hand, stroking away like mad as we each held a pair of his mom's soiled panties to our face. Unbeknownst to us, that was the scene that now confronted Chris' poor mom as she came home completely unnoticed and had made her way down the hall from the kitchen and into the laundry room. I had picked that exact moment to see if I could somehow extract, via my tongue, any residual flavor left by the pussy on the cotton. In other words, I was licking the crotch of her panties when his mom walked in on us. Our backs to the door, we didn't know anything was wrong until a bloodcurdling scream was heard, followed by an equally loud, "OH GOD! OH MY GOD!" At this we turned our heads towards the doorway, hoping that we wouldn't actually see what it was we somehow knew we would: a horrified, red-faced woman that looked like she was either about to die or about to kill us. "OH MY GOD" she continued, "GET OUT! GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT!" I honestly tried to oblige her, but before I could get my pants pulled back up she set herself upon us, pushing me out of the way, and slapping, spanking Chris hard on his ass four, then five, then six times, his rapidly deflating dick flopping up and down with each blow (guess he wasn't a masochist). Her anger somewhat dissipated, she stopped, but again shouted, "GO! GET OUT! GET OUT" adding, for my benefit, "GO HOME NOW!" I sort of shrugged to Chris and got the hell out of there. Didn't go over to his house again for quite a while after that. His mom was pretty well disgusted by the sight of us that day, and I can't say that I blame her, but eventually she got over it or at least understood that teenage boys are just sick, sick creatures and there's nothing to do but accept it. Hell, a minute or two later and I would have been using those same panties to catch my load, so it could have been worse.
Rating:
Home Alone
2011-05-01
From:
Ryan
Comments:
When I was fourteen, my parents left me and my eighteen year old sister home alone one weekend so they could have a "special" anniversary (we both knew what that meant). We get along fine now, but back then she was always an unholy bitch to me. I've always been rather small of stature while Becka (my sister) was about 5'9" and fucking strong to go along with her natural meanness. Anyway, for whatever reason, that Saturday night, with our parents gone and doing one another, I somehow worked up the nerve to get back at her for much of the abuse I'd suffered at her hands. My sister, after a hard day of bossing me around incessantly, fell asleep on the couch while watching some dumb show on tv. I crept over to see just how asleep she was. She was snoring slightly and didn't move a muscle when I tested her by calling out, "Becka...Becka" a couple of times. Satisfied that she was sound asleep, my teenage male brain come up with a suitable plan of revenge: I would rub my junk on my bitch sister's face. Even as I decided to do it, I knew it was a stupid thing to do, especially if Becka woke up, but going through with it became something of an ultimate rejoinder to anything that my sister could do. She calls me a fag, so what? I rubbed my dick on her face. She pinches me hard enough to draw blood? Yeah, but my balls were resting on her forehead. Secure in my mind that the risks were outweighed by the reward, I positioned myself at the end of the couch just next to Becka's head on the armrest. I unzipped my jeans and pulled it out, pausing at this point of no return. Dick in hand, I lowered myself into position over Becka's face and then gently placed the head of my cock onto her forehead. A sort of electric thrill shot through me. She didn't move an inch, so I ran the tip slowly, carefully through the hair at the top of her head. Whether it was just the excitement of the moment or the sister cleavage that I got to see as she lay there in her pajama bottoms with only a thin tank top over her bra, at that point I got an erection. Trying to make good on my mental promise to myself to put my balls on her forehead, I unbuttoned and pulled down my jeans and boxers and carefully balanced myself on the couch but soon determined that it was impossible to do without waking my sister. Undeterred, I then decided that putting my dick on my sister's lips would be just as good. Moving to the front of the couch, I then lowered my stiffy to her mouth, her hot breath sputtering out onto the head as she slept. I then pressed the head down into her lips, feeling a hint of the warm, wetness that her mouth offered. I unconsciously started stroking off as I stood over her sleeping face. I never intended to cum on her or anything like that, not that it mattered, because it was then that she started to wake up. As her eyes slowly opened, I tried to run and pull up my pants at the same time, failing at both. Knowing something was out of the ordinary, my sister had bolted upright in time to notice my hard-on as I tried to stumble away. She yelled out, "OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING?!" and jumped up from the couch while simultaneously knocking me down. She then wound up and give me a full-strength slap on the balls as hard as she could manage as I lay helpless on my back, after which she grabbed my dick and pulled on it in an earnest attempt to rip it off. In that (the first, albeit unpleasant, time a woman touched my erect penis) she thankfully failed, but the pain from the slap to my testicles was enough to make me puke on the carpet. She stood over me yelling stuff like "fucking pervert", "I'll kill you", and the like, finishing with an assertive "Clean that shit up and go to bed before I call mom and dad." I obeyed meekly and the two of us didn't directly speak to each other for days after our parents' return, but she never did tell them what I had done, though she probably didn't fully know, either. Anyhow, our relationship returned to normal after that and actually got better in the coming years, though we've never really talked about the incident other than the occasional awkward joke.
Rating:
Super Off Road Race
2011-04-28
From:
Ryan
Comments:
Used to go off-roading all the time during my misspent youth. That kind of shit attracts all manner of white trash sluts and you will get action in some way, shape, or form. One time a couple of sisters drunk as fuck from Busch Light took turns giving me head as I sat on the tailgate of my '75 F-150. After a while, they popped their tits out from their bikini tops and I sprayed them down.
Rating:
n/a
Mirracle Warriors
2011-04-27
From:
Ryan
Comments:
I know exactly what you're talking about, buddy. In my experience, though, a lot of women find that they actually do enjoy anal sex once they try it. The key for them is to relax. The key for men is to ask them before hand. I really can't stress that enough: do not try to insert your penis into a woman's ass without her express permission.
Rating:
n/a
Rocky
2011-04-27
From:
Ryan
Comments:
I used to break into peoples' houses and fart on them while they slept. This game got me off of that kick. Thanks, Rocky!
Rating:
Choplifter
2011-04-27
From:
Ryan
Comments:
This game always gave my uncle 'Nam flashbacks. That's why we could never play it when my Vietnamese friend Vo was over, we figured my uncle would freak out and kill the poor kid with his bare hands. My uncle finally shot up a 7-Eleven and the state then gave him the help he needed. Good game, anyway.
Rating:
Master Games 1
2011-04-27
From:
Ryan
Comments:
Is three always better than one? Just ask that chick that Jodie Foster played in that movie where she got gang-raped on a pinball machine. Yeah, ask her if three is better than one. Do it!
Rating:
Micheal Jacksons Moonwalker
2011-04-27
From:
Ryan
Comments:
One time during my high school years, a buddy of mine and I played the arcade version of Moonwalker all the way until our eventual victory over the forces of Perverted Justice or whoever the fuck Michael was "rescuing" those kids from. Anyway, it probably took us twenty, maybe thirty minutes to complete, after which we suddenly and inexplicably went to the alley behind the arcade and fucked each other like crazy. Totally weird. Neither of us are gay or even bi-curious. Do you think that playing this game for so long compelled us to sodomize one another? Is that possible? I wonder if there were some kind of subliminal messages within the game. I guess I'll never know.
Rating:
Basketball Nitemare
2011-04-27
From:
Ryan
Comments:
This game is certainly better than Great Basketball, but much worse than masturbating to pictures of underage girls you found on Facebook.
Rating:
Basketball Nitemare
2011-04-27
From:
Ryan
Comments:
I should clarify that comment: while I do like 'em young (for fantasy purposes only), I don't like little girls, just jailbait.
Rating:
n/a
Arcade Smash Hits
2011-04-27
From:
Ryan
Comments:
Kids grow up much faster nowadays. In my day you could never find girls in an arcade willing to watch you masturbate in exchange for buying them a six-pack of beer. Of course, where I'm from there are a lot of Mormons, so that might have skewed things a bit in terms of both sex and alcohol. Incidentally, I pay them extra to play with their tits while I jerk off. That's usually worth another sixer or a bottle of cheap wine.
Rating:
n/a
Sonic the Hedgehog
2010-02-13
From:
Ryan
Comments:
Best Sonic game ever made. It doesn't matter about the graphics or anything. The music is the beast Sonic music, and even though there may be a glitch or two, I will always regard this game as the greatest Sonic game ever and best game on the master system!!!
Rating:
Sonic the Hedgehog
2005-08-16
From:
ryan
Comments:
Rating:
Hook
2005-06-23
From:
Ryan
Comments:
good
Rating:
Alien Syndrome
2004-06-25
From:
Ryan
Comments:
I have many memories of sitting there as a 10 year old trying to just get past level 1. I think I did a few times, but not very often. For some reason, it was still one of my all time favorites.
Rating:
Alex Kidd in Miracle World
2004-01-22
From:
ryan
Comments:
I just bought an X-Box and put a chip in it. I have uploaded 1500 sega master system, nintendo and super nintendo games onto it. It has all the Alex Kidd games. Miracle world is the best game made. I still play it now through the xbox
Rating:
Missile Defense 3-D
2003-06-12
From:
Ryan
Comments:
I loved this game ever since i was a kid and i still do one of the best 3d games ever by far...should have some screen shots
Rating:
Reggie Jackson Baseball
2003-06-12
From:
Ryan
Comments:
I love sports games for older systems but i thought this one plain out sucked
Rating:
Global Defense
2003-06-12
From:
Ryan
Comments:
This Game was average...not good not bad just average
Rating:
Robocop Vs. Terminator
2003-06-12
From:
ryan
Comments:
one hell of an action game nuff said
Rating:
Ghost House
2003-06-12
From:
ryan
Comments:
gotta be one of the lamest games i've ever played
Rating:
Mortal Kombat 2
2003-04-15
From:
ryan
Comments:
BEST MORTAL KOMBAT IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rating:
Mortal Kombat 2
2003-01-28
From:
Ryan
Comments:
good stress relief. It's always nice after a long day, after your boss bitches you out constantly to come home and rip someone's head off. It just makes you feel a lil better. (to people under 18, read, go outside, do your homework, play mortal kombat, and most of all.... know that it is just a game. Don't kill anyone for real.)
Rating: